Bite Your Lip
by HisShinySilverVolvo
Summary: They were broken when they found each other, and together they mended each other's wounds... but every harsh wound always leaves a scar. Complicated, stupid, selfish, impossible... love. // Jasper-Bella story, Rated M to be safe. 600 reviews!
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Bite Your Lip is my version of New Moon after Edward leaves, meaning everything in the first book, Twilight, took place and is relevant to my plotline. And Jacob also doesn't exist in BYL, so sorry. I might give some stuff away if I told you why but I'll have heaps of explanation regarding this when the time is right. I also have a soundtrack for Bite Your Lip on my homepage. Cheerios.

**DISCLAIMER: **I, sadly, do not own any of this. All credit goes to Stephenie Meyer.

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_**BITE YOUR LIP**_

****--------------------------------------

"_And I can't breathe without you here_

_For fear I'll catch your scent._

_And we both know how bad I get._

_I don't do well or dwell in change._

_And don't you know that_

_Three small words could make this all okay?"_

- Forgotten, Not Forgiven

[Just Surrender]

**PREFACE**

…_we don't know where he's gone. I know you are grieving with us, Bella. You are like family to us now. I know that she is happy to have met you, and I'm sure the feeling's mutual. We are all a wreck right now but I do not want you to worry yourself too much, nothing can be done now and we are trying accept the harsh truth, I sure hope in the right time, you will, too. We love you, Bella. Take care of yourself._

_Carlisle Cullen_

I WAS IN A DREAMLIKE STATE. It was like watching an accident in slow motion. I knew what was happening but I was powerless to stop it.

I kept on running, running until my legs gave out and I fell on my knees. My eyes were blurry and tears where streaming out, unstoppable. This isn't happening. She's not… she couldn't be…

Alice couldn't be dead.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: **Not mine. Unfortunately.

**-----**

**I. PAIN**

**-----**

MY EYES ADJUSTED TO THE BRIGHTNESS OF MY BEDROOM. _It must be late noon, _I thought. It took me a while to remember why my eyes felt puffy… why I was feeling so rotten. When it all came crashing back to me, I was in another fit of tears and I couldn't stop.

How much hurting can one person take?

Edward had left a few months ago. He didn't want me, he said. The coldness of his voice, the blatant nonchalance of his eyes as he said the words to me pierced like nails in my heart. I was lost for weeks, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't focus on anything. I was a walking zombie, enduring every hour of the day, counting every minute, wondering how and when everything will get better.

Despite of this, slowly, I patched myself up. The wound was ever so slowly healing. It will always scar and I will forever bear it, but deep in my heart, I knew that someday I would find the strength to look back and smile at the memories I had with my Edward, no matter how long it would take. I find comfort in knowing that in a way, I had once been a part of his life, once held his heart…

But apparently, it was not enough for me to just lose the love of my life. I had to lose as sister, too. Alice Cullen, my second most favorite vampire, almost like a sister to me…

She is gone.

Shortly after the Cullens disappeared from Forks without a trace, Aro, from the Italian coven Volturi had desperately needed Alice and her ability to foresee the future so badly that he forced her to join the Volturi forces and leave her coven. She refused immediately but Aro did not take her refusal so lightly. Another statement was given: the Cullen family would suffer if she declines again. I could almost see Aro's eerie smile and Alice's pained elfin face. She had no choice.

I could only imagine what Jasper's reaction had been. He'd probably wanted to take down the Volturi by force because of his outrage, but of course Carlisle would never let him. Esme's angelic face was probably full of fear and confusion. Emmett probably wanted to tear Aro's body with his bare hands and I imagined Rosalie embrace Alice and sympathize with her sister. Edward would…

_Edward._ I was not allowed to think of him.

Alice was only a pawn to the Volturi. After her task, they decided that she knew too much about the coven now and so they disposed her.

How could anyone be so heartless?

I could still her shrill laugh in my head, see her bright smile when I close my eyes. I couldn't believe that it was impossible to see her again. I didn't even get to say goodbye when they moved away.

I heard the door latch open and Charlie walked in. He knew that Alice was dead, Carlisle had sent us a letter, without a return address obviously. Another private letter was addressed to me, to explain to me what really happened. I realized that I was shaking and he held me in his arms. It felt so good to have him there, though I'd probably never admit it to him. It was like the feeling I had when I was six and I had a bad dream. He woke me up and told me he'd make all the bad things go away.

"I'm so, so sorry, Bells," he whispered.

I didn't say anything.

"Bella, I know that she's gone but it's been weeks. You have to pick yourself up some time. Your life doesn't end when the life of somebody you love does. Alice is happy wherever she is right now. She wouldn't want to see you so broken."

"Th-they moved away so suddenly, I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye and now's she's—she's—" I couldn't even say it out loud.

Charlie gathered me in his arms.

***

I stepped on the gas and drove as fast as my Chevy would allow. I didn't know why but I had to go back there. I didn't know if this would only add salt to my wounds but I was restless and I knew where I wanted to go.

When I reached my destination I slowed my pace a little and shut the engine off. My hands were shaking slightly as I got out of the car. It seemed like an eternity passed as I made my way through the unkempt lawn but I was slightly taken by surprise when my hand automatically reached for the doorknob just as I did so many times before.

I took a breath and opened the door to the old Cullen house.

There wasn't a trace of them left. Everything they had; the furniture, the beautiful antique dining table, all of it were gone.

Dust swirled around the room from where the afternoon sunlight entered through the wide windows. I walked slowly across the room, remembering where everything used to be. My heart seemed to have stopped when I remembered where the piano was and how it seemed so long ago when Edward played to me for the first time.

A fresh batch of tears welled in my eyes as a graphic image of Edward with his dazzling smile played my lullaby right here in this room floated in my head. I suddenly felt very weak and I succumbed to the floor. I was sobbing without a damn about the noise I was making.

Edward…Alice…

The wound was open and bleeding again. I couldn't focus on anything but the pain. Was all this pain really worth the short span of time I shared with the two of them? How could they let themselves be so attached to me and just disappear this way? Was it just a big joke to them? Bella and her stupid human emotions, couldn't even deal with her feelings.

I was so preoccupied that I didn't even had a clue that somebody was behind me.

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry I killed Alice. I didn't want her to die but I want this to be as realistic as possible and her leaving with Edward like some stories I've read just sucks. Everything is also a bit dramatic, hence, the realistic excuse again. But rest assured that I'd write happier chapters as the plot progresses.


	3. Chapter 3

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**II. COMFORT**

**-----**

IT HAPPENED SO FAST. I sat there sobbing, my face in my hands, pouring everything out, feeling like I didn't have enough strength in me to stand up then half a second later I was pressed on the wall, strong hands on my shoulders, my feet several inches above the floor. My sobbing ceased and the hair on the back of my neck stood up when I realized who it was.

Jasper Cullen was baring his teeth, a hypnotized look spread on his face, his eyes wide and staring into mine—dead black.

His eyes flickered to my neck, to my racing pulse, and as though mesmerized, he slowly leaned his head opening his mouth and showing his teeth. Panic flooded in my veins and I struggled to speak.

"J-Jasper, it's me! It's Bella!" I tried to wriggle free, knowing it was of no use. He inhaled the scent of my neck; I could feel his nose touching the skin. "Jasper I know what you must be feeling right now, but please, calm down! It's me, it's me! I lost her too, I feel the same way you do… don't do this, please. I loved Alice too…"

Upon hearing the name of his beloved soul mate, he froze and let go of me unexpectedly. I landed on my bottom on the floor. When I looked up at him, he was on his knees, his face in his hands, and vulnerability seemed to ooze out from every fiber of his being.

"Bella… Bella, I'm sorry," his beautiful musical voice was shattering and I realized I couldn't equal the pain he felt. The self-pity and sadness that emitted from him was so heart wrenching that I couldn't help but kneel next to him.

I didn't even think if he was controlled or not, foolish, but I felt like I understood him somehow though ours were very different situations. My heartbeat slowly steadied as I temporarily forgot my problems and reluctantly wrapped my arms around his shaking form. He was hard as granite and his sweet smell reminded me of Edward, though his was different. He smelled more masculine, with a hint of mint.

"Jasper…" I began in a whisper, but I soon found out that I couldn't say anything to comfort him. It's not going to be okay, we both knew and understood it in different ways.

His shaking gradually ceased and after a deep unstable breath, he slowly removed his hands from his face and my arms fell to my sides.

I have never seen Jasper up close before. His face was another dimension of perfection. His thick dark brown eyelashes nearly touched his cheek when he blinks, his face was pale and angled regally, his nose pointed almost giving an air of arrogance, and his lips though probably hard as stone and smooth as glass, were full and attractive. He was so beautiful, and I was taken aback. I've only ever seen Edward in this light.

Edward somehow reminded me of a sunny day, he was comforting and he made me feel the warmth that one could only get from true love at its purest form. And Jasper reminded me of a starry night sky. Calming and quiet, serene and mysterious.

We looked at each other for a while, my heartbeat probably the only sound between us. His eyes, though colored in the most vivid black at the moment, was filled with despair and longing and a much more deeper emotion that took my breath away. He was both so beautiful and vulnerable it was almost painful to look at.

"Thank you," his lips moved ever so slightly, mouthing the words.

"I'm sorry I came," I said in a low voice, "I realize how thirsty you are and the self control you had to use to get yourself to stop. I didn't know you were here, if I knew I wouldn't've gone."

I sat beside him and hugged my knees.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" I mumbled.

"No, it's fairly manageable," he said.

We were silent for a while.

"I heard you come in, and I wasn't on my guard. I came here to do just that, to unleash something inside of me that was demanding to get out," he said, not looking at me. "A part of me was still inside, half-asleep I suppose, and I knew you were crying. I went down to see you but I guess it was just too soon…" he took a deep breath. "How _are _you, Bella?"

"Don't mind me at all, I'm doing fine," I lied automatically through my teeth. It sounded so wrong. "Carlisle wrote…" I couldn't continue.

"No, you're not," he said, looking at me intently now, disregarding my last comment. "I could see it in your eyes, I could feel it. I want to use my…ability to make you feel better but I know its effect. You'd feel worse after it wears off."

"Thank you, but I'd rather you don't. I want to face it, let it sting so it would heal quicker."

"Does it work that way?"

"You tell me," I sighed. "How about you?" my voice shook.

"I—we—I can't believe it just ended like that. We had an eternity ahead of us… we were happy… we were…Alice and Jasper," he breathed.

I knew what he meant. It felt just like Edward and me. We used to be so solid, two halves of a whole. We were an infused element, we were one.

"I'm sorry…" he said. "Edward—"

"You can't mention his name," I said in a flat voice.

"I'm sure he's hurting, too, Bella. He loves you,"

"If he does he would be here," I said in the same tone, "He left me and I'll never forgive him,"

"He did what he thought was right,"

"He took the easiest way out," my voice broke again, "if he really loved me, he would've stayed despite of it all. We would find a way to be together. But he didn't. He _left_." I looked at him, "If you and…the person you loved the most were in our situation, would you leave her?"

He thought for a moment, "No."

"He chickened out on me, or maybe it was part of this web of lies he used on me. Has he done this to other human girls before? Play the sweetest person, make them fall madly in love and then brutally leaves them when he gets tired?"

Jasper sighed, "That's foul, Bella. You know he's never loved anyone like this before."

"I know. But it's the only way… I have to make myself believe in this so I'd understand."

"_You're _the one who's taking the easy way out."

I couldn't find a reply to that. I didn't even know if it's true or not. I just sat there, staring into space, voices buzzing in my head, arguing. We were quiet for a while.

"Where is he?" I finally said.

"We don't know," he replied quietly. "He took off on his own to do some things he didn't want to tell us after Alice's—what happened,"

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"Yes,"

"Why did you come back?"

He paused for a while, contemplating his answer. "I didn't know, I was losing control over my emotions and I didn't want my family to see it. I've been here for a while, brooding. Reminiscing. Thinking about her, gathering every memory and etching it into my mind. She'll be with me forever. In my mind, in my heart."

"Do you believe you'll be with her again?" I whispered.

He half-smiled sadly, "I sure do hope so,"

"I believe you will," I said sincerely, looking him in the eyes.

"Thank you, Bella," he said, looking back at me, "Really,"

I smiled at him. It was the first smile I've worn in months and it felt strange to smile again.


	4. Chapter 4

**-----**

**III. NAKED**

**-----**

IT WAS PRETTY LATE WHEN JASPER AND I FINISHED TALKING. I felt a bit better than I have been in a very long while as I drove back home. I didn't know if Jasper would be there in the morning, and I didn't want to hope, but it felt really good seeing him. Seeing one of them. He understood me in some ways and it was likewise to me. There was a level of understanding between us that didn't even need words to pronounce.

Most of the time we were caught in silence but it wasn't awkward. On the contrary, the atmosphere seemed at ease. To me, at least. _I_ didn't have bloodlust for him. But if he was the slightest bit uncomfortable, he was good at hiding it. Never did I saw him flinch after he regained control in the beginning, even when Edward lands in our conversation and my pulse would race.

I stepped out of my truck once I got home. I immediately noticed Charlie's car parked out front and I worried slightly about his dinner. I walked in and there he was, dozing in front of the TV, his Chinese take out boxes on the floor.

"Charlie," I whispered in his ear, "Dad, wake up,"

"Huh?" He grunted awake, surprised. "Oh, Bells, I didn't hear you come in," he rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"I'm sorry I was late, Dad," I said and I looked away as I rummaged through my head for an excuse. "I…just finished something I had to do,"

I could feel his eyes on the back of my head, but he stood up shortly and said, "It's all right, I had a feeling you were safe. Just tell me next time, 'kay?"

He kissed my forehead before lazily walking up the stairs. I picked up his empty cartons and threw them away, cleaning up the kitchen and the living room, biding my time 'til he's fast asleep before going upstairs myself.

I usually had nightmares ever since _he_ went away. On the first three nights, Charlie would come bursting into my room when he heard me screaming. In the mornings, he would look at me as if I was going to explode at any given moment so, I practiced to sleep later than he does so even when I do have nightmares, I didn't have to worry him, too.

The house was spotless after an hour or so and I went upstairs, leaning for a moment on Charlie's door and pressing my ear on it. Snoring. Perfect. I went to my bathroom, taking my top off as I closed the door behind me.

I opened the tap by the tub and let it fill up with warm water while I brushed my teeth. I took my time lighting up some candles after that, and then lifting my left foot first to test the temperature of the water. Satisfied, I slowly dipped my body in the tub and closed my eyes as I relaxed. The smell of the candles and the heat of the water consumed me immediately.

I didn't really look forward to sleeping because I don't get to rest anyway. Every time I close my eyes I could see his face looming in the darkness. So painstakingly beautiful, his eyes looking straight in mine, and my favorite smile plastered on his face…

Then I fall asleep and dream of the day he left me over and over, hearing his clear voice saying that he doesn't want me anymore. He'd turn his back to me and I'd run to him, but my legs felt heavy, like they were boulders, as I sprinted. Each step makes them heavier and I'd call out his name but no voice would come out.

Suddenly, the ground I'm standing on turned into water and I couldn't use my legs to push me up.

This is different.

The water was very real and in this state of being in between dream and reality, I was unsure of what to believe. I was drowning and I didn't even want to save myself. What's the point? I didn't know where I was and then there was Edward's smiling face. His eyes burned with passion, just as it always did when he looked at me before.

_Wake up, Bella, wake up! _It was the musical voice that I longed to hear. If I could hear that voice over and over, in a manner that seems like he's concerned about me, I'd rather _not_ wake up.

_Bella, Bella!_

The voice was getting clearer, like he was next to me. Edward always said that if I died he'd die too. Was that yet another lie? If I open my eyes would the voice disappear? Or am I dead? Having died in my dreams, the best way to die. And—and he knew about it and followed me just like he always said! _See, Edward, you do have a soul._

"Bella!"

Strange, that musical voice didn't sound the way it's supposed to. Musical and beautiful but different. Or maybe I've just forgotten what it's like to hear his voice again. Very, very strange.

Shall I open my eyes?

"Damn it, Bella, you scared me."

I was wet. And choking. Jasper was standing up beside my bed with a relieved look on his chalk-pale face. His eyes, now golden again, shimmered in the moonlight coming from the window. I wondered for half a second what happened and it hit me. I fell asleep in the tub and I…drowned myself.

I also remembered something. I was naked in the tub, wasn't I?


	5. Chapter 5

**-----**

**IV. GOODBYES**

**-----**

I SAT UP, COVERING MY BARE SHOULDERS WITH MY BLANKET. A deep blush crept on my cheeks and I wondered if he could notice it in the dark.

"J-Jasper I—what the hell—I mean—I was—" I stammered, I was covered by my blanket and a towel underneath it.

"You sank in the tub, Bella and you were crying, I didn't know if you're awake or not and when you didn't come up for air after a while I went in," he said, urgency and concern in his voice, "Are you okay, do you need anything?"

"I'm fine," I said, "Did you—I mean—" I didn't know how to phrase it.

"Oh." he said, catching on quickly, he suddenly turned around and looked at his feet. If I weren't so embarrassed I would have found it funny. "I was focused on getting you out of the water and breathing, I swear I didn't—I threw the towel over you immediately. I didn't…really see anything. If you're okay I'd better go." He added quickly.

Awkward.

"Jasper, do you mind if we talk for a little while?" I said quietly, not really wanting to go to sleep again, "You're the only one I could talk to about…things."

"Sure, Bella. But I guess I'd let you get dressed first," he said, his voice slightly amused, but I could sense a coy edge to it.

With a blink, he was gone.

I dressed up silently in the dark. I wondered if it was hard on Jasper, being close to me. I know that he's having the hardest time controlling his bloodlust, being the youngest vampire in their coven. _I'd ask him about it, _I thought.

I changed the wet sheets and replaced them with new ones and I got under the blanket again. I stared at my ceiling for a while, controlling my rapid heartbeat then I quietly said his name, before I could even realize it, he was there.

"Jasper," I said again. Then I suddenly felt really calm, all the embarrassment gone.

"Hmm?" He said, sitting down and leaning his back on the side of my bed so the back of his head was facing me. His pale blonde hair shone in the moonlight.

"Is it difficult for you, being around me?"

"You mean because you're human?" he said, I stayed silent and he understood, "It was more unbearable a while ago. But I managed to stay put. Good practice for me. I went hunting for a while then I followed you home, checking if you're okay."

"I really hope you mean that. I'm actually glad you're here. Talking about it helps me a lot," I said quietly.

"Me too," he said and I heard the awe in his voice, as if he was only realizing it now.

We were quiet again.

"Do you always get nightmares?" he asked me in a low voice.

"Yes," I said barely whispering. "Every night since Ed—he went away,"

"If I could sleep, I'd probably be having nightmares, too." He said, "I've forgotten what it's like to be human. Hunger, nightmares, exhaustion, it all seems so bizarre to me now. But it sure would be nice to sleep sometimes. To help pass the time without feeling anything,"

"Just don't fall asleep on the tub," I said, lying to myself that I was asleep. Well, I was for half of it anyway.

His voice sharpened, "Yes, I'll remember that. Are you sure you're fine?"

It took me a while to answer, as I thought deeply in the darkness, "No." I finally said, answering a somewhat different question. "I miss him…"

"I miss her, too," Jasper said with a sigh, his pain evident. "And I'm sure Edward misses you, more than you miss him,"

"How many times do I have to point out that he left _me_? He said he…didn't want me anymore,"

He seemed to be taken off guard by that.

"He said that?" he said.

"He did… can I ask you something?"

"Sure,"

"What happened after you left?"

"We stayed at Tanya's for a while. Edward would not talk about what happened, he warned Alice not to put tabs on you. He told all of us never to contact you again. 'We've done enough damage,' he said. On the third day of our stay, Edward left. We thought he was going to hunt but he didn't come back. He went home briefly after Alice…departed. He apologized to Carlisle and Esme but he said he's having a really hard time and that he wanted to be on his own for a while. He said he'd return once he's ready. We don't know where he is now,"

"Does Carlisle know you're here?" I said, changing the topic before I come close to crying.

"No," he said, "I took off when I learned what happened. I couldn't stay there and look at them,"

"It's been weeks that you've been here, then," I said.

"Not really. I traveled back to the places Alice and I once went to before," his voice was softer now, as if he was remembering something precious, "I wanted to see the sights that my eyes had seen when Alice was still in my arms."

"Jasper?" I said, stifling a yawn.

"Hmm?"

"I just want you to know," I said, "I'm here for you, for you to lean on…if you want to,"

It was a while before he answered. I was in the brink of sleep when I heard it but I think he said a sweet "Thank you,"

But I couldn't be sure.

The morning dawned bright and early for me. My eyes squinted as they adjusted to the light, it was brighter than usual, and I at first thought it was because I still wasn't used to the unusual days Forks can get sunny but I was wrong.

Jasper was by the window, his skin glittering in the sunlight. Again, I was taken aback by how beautiful he is. Suddenly, I felt rather self-conscious in my morning hair.

"Good morning, Bella," he said in his deep musical voice.

"Good morning," I said sleepily, recovering from my awe and putting on a nonchalant façade quickly.

"I hope it's okay I stayed the night," he said but I barely heard him.

"I didn't have a bad dream. No nightmare." I said in disbelief, more to myself. I looked at him, "Did you do something?"

"Nothing, I swear," he said with a smile.

I smiled to myself. It felt so good, getting a good night's rest. It's been so long. Still smiling, I lied back on my bed.

"What did you dream about?" he asked, sitting on the floor by my bed. "You look happy,"

"I can't remember," I replied, "Did I say anything in my sleep? I tend to do that a lot."

"Well, you mentioned Alice's name…" he said quietly.

"Oh. I didn't get a nightmare, so it must have been a happy dream," I said, my smile vanishing. "I wish I'd remember,"

Silence again.

"And something about unicorns," he said, and I could tell he was smiling.

"I did not!" I said with a laugh, hitting him with a pillow. Again the sound felt so surprisingly foreign from my mouth.

"I wanted to wait 'til you're awake before I go, it seemed rude to wake you up, or leave without saying goodbye,"

"Oh," I said, fighting hard to hide my disappointment.

"You've got school anyway, so…"

"Yeah," I said, avoiding eye contact and looking at my bed, looking for something nonexistent.

"Bella,"

"Hmm?" I grabbed a hairpin and tried to look down as I fastened it to my hair. How weird that must have looked. I haven't even combed yet.

"I'm going," he said, his voice a monotone.

"Yeah, bye. Take care," I said, faking enthusiasm. "Say hi to Carlisle and Esme and the others for me, okay?"

"Bella," he said again, and I looked. I wish I didn't.

He was looking intently at me. His eyes that reminded me so well of Edward's looked straight into mine. It was a horrible déjà vu. Goodbyes with men—no, vampires—with topaz eyes… The dread crept to my throat. I tried to smile.

"Take care of yourself," he said softly, "For Edward, he'll realize it soon and he'll come back to you. He just needs to hit his head on a rock,"

"The rock will crumble to pieces if he hits his head on it," I mumbled.

"I'm serious. He's not _dead_. You _can_ still see him if time allows you to," his eyes were sad again. "I have the ability to look all over the world for Alice if I wanted to but I won't be able to find if her,"

"Jasper I—" I didn't know what to say. He can console me but I couldn't console him. "Thank you…"

"I think I should thank you as well, Bella," he smiled gently. "You made me feel better than I have been in months. I owe you my sanity,"

He held out his hand, and I touched it. His hand was smooth and cool, just as I expected it to be.

"Take care of yourself," he repeated and with a blink, my hand was suspended in mid-air.


	6. Chapter 6

**-----**

**V. TREE HOUSE**

**-----**

WITH JASPER GONE, MY LIFE WENT BACK TO ITS SLOW PACE. Wake up, breakfast, school, homework, dinner, bed. This routine became my life for a while.

My brief encounter with Jasper helped a lot, I must say. I felt a tiny flicker of hope. Hope that Edward would indeed realize he was wrong and would come back to me. From the sound of it, he was devastated too, wasn't he?

I'd wait. I'd do just that. I'd wait until he comes back. The speck of hope swelled like a balloon inside of me and filled my heart. I would wait faithfully for Edward. He is my…_destiny_. I'm not one to say such things but there's no other term for it. We _are _destined for each other. And as Jasper said, he isn't dead. He's somewhere far away, but still reachable.

The afternoon sun peeked through the typical heavy clouds of Forks as I walked down to my Chevy after school. I dropped my bag inside and climbed in. I didn't feel like going home early, as Charlie wouldn't be there anyway. He had stuff to do at the station, he said. On impulse, the first place that came into my mind was the meadow. I cringed but it didn't sting so badly anymore. It had been exactly five months, two weeks and three days since Edward's departure.

I must admit I still feel sad whenever I think about it, but I have a new outlook now. I'll be positive. Edward said he _loved _me didn't he? That's bound to leave a mark. And he's coming back. I just know it. He won't be able to bear it. He wouldn't be able to keep lying to himself just like me. He'll know it soon enough. He loves _me_. And when he returns I'll never leave his side again.

I kicked the gear to life and wondered where I would go. I know this place but I wasn't so sure. All the hype with Edward when I first got here drove it away from my mind. Charlie and I once built this tree house in the woods, and I avoided the woods at all cost, since it was where… I didn't want to dwell on that.

I parked in front of the house and pulled my hood before getting out. It was drizzling slightly but it wasn't so bad. I followed the trail, careful to put my mind at ease and think only about getting to the tree house. It was east from the meadow if my memory serves me right, directly by the stream.

I knew this path so well but I immediately turned right before I got to the meadow. The squishing of the wet soil at the bottom of my rubber shoes was the only sound I could hear for a while until I heard the bristling of the stream.

I finally got to my destination. It was on one of the sturdy branches of a huge sycamore tree, somewhere above twenty feet from the ground. The ladder was still intact but the weather rotted some of the wood. Knowing my physical abilities, I knew better than to climb that unstable ladder and step on that possibly even more unstable tree house. But I really wanted to see what needed fixing so I took my chances.

I walked towards the tree tentatively. I wrapped my hand on the fourth step as I put all my weight on the first one, testing it. It felt like it could hold so I cautiously climbed up, ready to fall at any moment. To my relief, I reached the top and peeked through the square gap that served as entrance to the tree house itself.

The roof had holes in a lot of places and the floor really needed replacing. I wanted to rebuild this but I of course couldn't do it on my own. I wanted to ask Charlie but he disapproves of me going into the woods these days. He couldn't get over that night Sam Uley found me…

Anyway, maybe I'd ask Mike and the others to help me along. I proceeded my way down, and began to walk back home. I couldn't help but stop by the meadow and look at it for a while. It seemed so empty to me now. Like it had lost its charm that used to draw me to it. I knew what, or rather who, it was that has gone missing.

I was slightly taken aback when I felt something wet run down my cheek. I didn't even realize I was crying. I heaved a sigh and went home. Charlie's cruiser was on its usual spot when I got out of the woods. I gulped. I didn't expect him so soon. My car was there so there was only one place I would go if I weren't inside the house.

"Dad?" I said as I opened the front door.

"Hey, Bells! Where have you been and why are your shoes so muddy?" the question seemed rehearsed.

"Just out taking a walk," I said. "I got bored here, I haven't been out too long,"

"Where did you go?"

"Dad," I whined. "I've got homework to do now. Just call me when you're hungry, okay?"

"Bella, I don't want you wandering in the woods again, do you understand?" he said in a serious voice.

He was _scolding _me.

"Fine," I mumbled, wanting this to end as quickly as possible.

I dismissed myself and went up to my room. Well, help from Charlie was definitely out of the question. The more I think about it, the more I wanted to keep the tree house private. It was a place I would go when I don't want anyone to find me. Where I could go to be alone. Just like Jasper and the Cullen house.

The calculus homework I had wasn't as mind-boggling as I expected it to be. I finished it quickly and started to prepare for dinner.

After we finished eating and cleaning up, I went back to my room and took a shower. The hot water lulled my senses that I immediately felt sleepy after it. I dressed in the dark and sat on my bed as I combed my hair.

Before I knew it was happening, my arms were pinned to my sides. A sweet smell flooded my nose and something rock solid was wrapped around me, keeping me from moving.

I screamed.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

I would really appreciate reviews. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**-----**

**VI. GONE**

**-----**

"BELLA," THE VOICE WAS HOARSE, SAD AND PAINED. I uncharacteristically calmed down in an instant.

"J-Jasper?" I gasped. The impact of his rock-hard body to my unprepared one, though it was probably gentle to him, still knocked the wind out of me. I still couldn't move my body.

"I'm the worst," he said. His body was shaking.

"What's wrong? What happened?" I said, confused.

He slowly moved away and I heaved a breath. His features were still striking even in the semi-darkness. His eyelids were closed and with an arm's length of space between us, he opened them.

His irises were bright _red_.

My immediate reaction was obvious. I was frightened beyond belief. I involuntarily moved backwards until my back hit the wall. He had once lost his control with me on my fateful last birthday. I could remember everything clearly. It was the last day that everything had been perfect.

"G-Get out," I said.

He has sucked on human blood. He broke the Cullen promise. He probably sucked that person dry. He was dangerous.

"Bella I'd never—" his red eyes were hurt.

"Jasper, you're not stable. I said _leave_," my voice was unintentionally harsh.

I was shaking with fear. How many times must I come close to dying?

"I'd never hurt you,"

The curtain fluttered as he used his uncanny speed to get out through the window.

Realization hit me as quick as the fear came. I suddenly felt cold. Tears burned in my eyes as I hugged my knees to my chest.

Guilt spread all over me as I tried to stifle the sobs. _You weren't thinking. It was a natural reaction, _my mind tried to convince me but Jasper came to _me_ when he needed someone. He could've gone elsewhere, but he came to me. He was there when I needed him. He made me feel again. Jasper was my hope. He needed my help and I pushed him away.

"Jasper," I whimpered in the dark, knowing that if he were anywhere near he'd hear me. "Jasper, I'm sorry."

I waited for a while but nothing happened. More tears fell as I lied on my bed and wallowed in my guilt. The worst part was that I know he could _feel _my rejection. He knew every ounce of fear I felt for him just now. I groaned and buried my face in my pillow to silence the uncontrollable sobbing.

*

The sky was finally brightening. The last few hours were cruel. I couldn't sleep a wink, and I knew that I wanted to look for him. I know for a fact that he wouldn't go back to Carlisle with blood-red irises. Well, would he? In any case, there's one place I should go look.

The familiar road to the Cullen house was making shivers run up my spine. It was like slashing myself open with a scalpel. No, that would have probably felt better. I believe that Edward is coming back. At least I _want _to believe. But it just makes me sick, the way I miss all of them.

_Please, please, please let him be there._

I pulled over and tried to calm my ridiculous heartbeat. What if he wasn't here? I'd never forgive myself. He was broken. Just like me. And I shattered him even more.

I almost ran to the door.

"Jasper?" I called breathlessly as I opened it. "Jasper, I'm sorry, we have to talk."

The whole first floor was void of anything but dust. I climbed the stairs, the memories searing my heart. Flashes of the past burned through my skull as I checked every room, each step wearier than the last.

"Jasper? Are you here?" I croaked. The huge invisible gash on my chest won't quit stabbing me. "Jasper I'm so sorry… so sorry…"

Tears welled up in my eyes again and I'm sick of crying but I couldn't do anything. He wasn't here and he'll probably never want to see me again. I'm the most ungrateful being ever to walk this planet.

I surprised myself when I mustered the strength to go back and drive myself home. Charlie wasn't home yet and I got out of my truck and into the trail that led to the woods. I swallowed the bile that slinked in my throat. The guilt was eating me away as I sprinted, careful not to fall down on my face in the mud and went to the tree house.

It would be my refuge now. It would remind of the times I had not yet met any of the Cullens, when my life was _normal_, when vampires were merely a figment of my imagination. At least I could escape reality even for a while and I could pretend that there was no wound in the first place.

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**Author's Note: **Yummy pictures of Jasper on my profile. Soundtrack now on profile as well. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!


	8. Chapter 8

**-----**

**VII. WENDY**

**-----**

I FELT LIKE A JUVENILE DELINQUENT. I never really missed school before but it doesn't make sense anymore to me now. None of it does. I was so advanced anyway, having really relied on my studies for the past five months to keep me distracted. I could probably delay school for two more weeks. I hated lying to Charlie but I just felt like I need a break. Losing Edward, Alice and now Jasper too was all too much for me to put up with.

As if on cue, I felt a sharp jab of pain on my chest. What is it with vampires and me anyway? Like I'm the opposite of magnet to them. I keep on pushing them away. If I hadn't moved to Forks, the Cullens would never have moved to wherever they are right now. Not for a few more years anyway. If I hadn't moved to Forks, even if Alice had…_died _eventually, they would have been through it together. Edward would never allow Jasper to leave them, even if it was to be alone. He would have wanted them facing it together. I felt another stab of pain. _I tore the Cullens apart._

But what's been done is done. They have moved on and I would try my hardest to do so, too. I just need a few days to rethink my life and to plan from here on. I would never leave Forks. That would make me go insane. My mind would force me to think that I imagined everything. I just knew it would. I would stay here, where I could remember perfectly how everything used to be. Back when I hadn't messed things up. Or had I messed it up even as it just started?

I shook the thought away from my mind. Charlie thought I was at school today but I sat here inside my car on the parking lot by the grocery store, waiting for eight o'clock to pass. Then I'd drive back home and get the tools from the basement and work on my tree house again. I've been doing this for a week now, exactly seven days since that incident with Jasper.

The tree house was slowly looking better everyday. The floors were now fixed and by some miracle I managed to get it done with just a few scratches. It took me three days of course, whereas it would've taken Charlie or some other able-bodied person half a day.

I was planning to fix the roof today. It would take me a while since it was the one that mostly needed the fixing but I was determined to get it done. I was getting better at it. I only happened to pound my thumb with a hammer _once_. That was surprising for me considering my lack of carpentry skills. I had expected a few broken fingers by now.

Eight o'clock came and went. I drove back home and did as I planned. I placed the stuff in a pushcart I found a couple of days ago including the plywood I bought for a few cents at the Webers' garage sale.

The rain poured on as I worked but I didn't really mind it. I was beginning to love it here inside the woods, despite the fact that this is where Edward said goodbye. Time flew so fast that I'd only notice my grumbling stomach because it was already getting dark. I'd wolf down something for dinner then go straight to sleep. All the work made me so tired to dwell on things that usually haunt me in the dark. That's why I love it.

I remembered that Charlie once mentioned that the tree house had such a great view of the sunset when the sun does manage to appear; that's why it was so high. I've been looking forward to it since it was expected to be sunny on the fifth of March, a week and two days from now.

Before I knew it, it was already late afternoon and I knew that I should head home before Charlie comes. I gathered my stuff and headed home. I took a shower first, fixed his dinner and lied on my bed as I waited for the sound of his cruiser.

Has Edward ever thought about me all the time he was away? Has he found a female vampire to claim as his own? Surely she would be breathtakingly beautiful. She would fit him in every way and fulfill his needs in every single way I couldn't. An image of a gorgeous woman with white skin and honey blond curls invaded my head. I imagined that she-vampire crawling her perfect fingernails all over Edward's broad chest, their mouths linked together, Edward's hands all over her body.

Edward looked at me with an amused smirk.

"She's the one for me, not you," his voice was echoing and distant. The female looked at him with hunger and once again dove her head to mold her perfect lips on his…

Charlie's cruiser honked from the outside and I opened my eyes with a start.

I wiped the tears off of my face and went down to greet him with a fake smile.

"Hey, Dad," I said.

"Hi Bells, how was school?" he hanged up his gun on its proper place took his belt and police cap off.

"Great," I said with fake enthusiasm. "I had a great time today, I didn't even notice the time,"

"Yeah?" he said, sitting down and taking off his socks. "What did you do?"

"Um, we…rehearsed for a play,"

"Which one?"

I racked my brain for a reply.

"Peter Pan, you know, the boy who never grew up." It was the first thing that came into my head, I never really gave it much thought until I realized the second I said the words that they made more sense than necessary.

He stared at me, "Isn't that a bit amateur for high school kids?"

"I guess…but it's cool anyway, I get to be Wendy. She gets left behind and grows old and Peter doesn't, too bad." I fought hard to keep my voice light.

"When's this play?" he said, looking interested. "I'd just _love_ to see your acting skills,"

He laughed, teasing me, and I plastered on a smile.

"I don't know—it's just a minor little thing," I mumbled as I disappeared into the kitchen. "I'll—I'll let you know, Dad."

"Okay. Hey Bella, who's playing Peter P—?"

"So, how was work?" I cut him off.

"It was okay," he said then he ranted on and on about the teenagers they caught out of school, smoking in the streets. I squirmed in my seat. At least I wasn't smoking.

I had an undisturbed sleep that night. I dreamt that Edward was inside my bedroom, his topaz eyes glinting in the moonlight.


	9. Chapter 9

**-----**

**VIII. FALL**

**-----**

IT WAS RAINING AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. No surprises there.

"Bye, Dad!" I said, "See you after school!"

"'Kay, honey. Good luck on your play rehearsal. You have one again today, right?"

"Um, yeah, I think so," I said, looking away.

My usual routine ensued. I can't help but notice that the rain was getting heavier, and the wind was getting a bit stronger. I didn't stop, though. I had a deadline to meet and I sure as hell would finish it. I was stubborn to the bone; I couldn't even stop myself. Once I set my mind on something, there's no stopping me from doing it.

The rain got thicker during mid-afternoon, but I was still obdurate. I was soaked from the inside out. The wind kept on slapping my hair onto my face and it was irritating how I had to brush it away over and over again.

I was climbing my way through the ladder with the toolbox on one hand, the other grabbing the wooden steps for support. The wind blew fiercely, dragging me away but I kept my pace and didn't think of it much. I climbed faster, hoping to get to the top sooner so I could get it finished quickly.

I was very near the top, just a few more feet away when my hand suddenly slipped from the dripping wet wood. Yeah, well, all I could say is that it was bound to happen one time. I just wished I were somewhere closer to the ground when it happened.

In a span of mere milliseconds, I felt another gush of wind coming from a different direction. How bizarre. I closed my eyes and waited for my back to hit the ground but the mud never came.

I landed on something hard. For sure it was going to leave bruises but at least I didn't hit my head on something. I opened my eyes and looking straight into mine were red ones.

"Jasper," I whispered.

"Let's get you home," he said, his face emotionless, his voice flat.

A thousand words formed in my head, I didn't know where to start. What was he doing here? _I'm sorry, I'm sorry…_

The cold rain must have gotten to me somehow because I didn't even notice when I closed my eyes.

*

When I opened them I was in my bedroom and it was dark. I wondered briefly how I got there and then I remembered: _Jasper! _I sat upright and noticed someone sitting in the shadows.

"Jasper," I voiced. My voice was thick with sleep and my throat hurt a lot.

"You should lie down," he said quietly. "You have a fever,"

"Jasper I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," my voice was a whisper but I was sure he heard it.

I felt so lightheaded and cold but it didn't stop the hot tears that wanted to run down my cheeks. He wasn't saying anything so the tears turned into sobs. He was _angry_.

"I didn't mean to—you caught me off guard—I was scared and I—"

"Shh," he was suddenly sitting on the bed next to me.

"I went to your house the next morning but you weren't there," I said, tears running freely.

"I know," he said. "I was there, Bella, and I'm sorry too."

My crying stopped, "Why didn't you come to me?"

"I was…ashamed of myself." His voice was heavy and hurt again. "Your reaction was right; I should not have come to you. But when I realized what happened, what I'd done, I was so sick of myself. Sick to the core of what I was. I didn't know where to go. I could not take seeing Carlisle's disappointment and I wasn't thinking. I was trapped and for the first time in a long while…_I did not want to be me_.

Like I said, I wasn't thinking and the first person that came to my head was _you_. I thought you'd understand—and it's only natural, obvious even, that you wouldn't—"

"But I do, Jasper, I do! I should have and I wasn't open-minded," I interrupted but he put a cold finger on my lips.

"But I still risked you, Bella." He replied. "My thirst was quenched for the time being but it was only a matter of hours before your smell attracts me again. I would never, never hurt you but I am still not allowed to risk you getting so close to me like that. I was about to talk to you sometime soon, when I'm positive I've regained control. I wanted to run to you when I saw you last week but I couldn't. Your sadness was so overwhelming; I've never met someone else who hurts like you. But my shame and guilt was too much."

"I know someone," I said quietly.

"Who?"

"You," I couldn't meet his eyes, "I'm sorry I pushed you away,"

"I know," he said, using his fingertips to raise my chin. He was so beautiful. "Don't worry about it,"

"Jasper?" I mumbled.

"Hmm?" he said, his red eyes still looking deeply in mine.

"How did you know I was at the woods?"

He grinned slightly, "I've been following you around a lot, you little sneak,"

"Really?" I said, surprised.

"I wanted to wait until all the red was gone, you know, before seeing you, but that dive just now, well, I couldn't risk you breaking your spine."

"How long does it take?"

"I don't know, a few more days, maybe. I've been hunting animals again but it takes a while I guess. You're doing a great job with that tree house by the way,"

"Thanks," I said, smiling, "A few more days and I'll be done,"

"I'll finish it tomorrow if you like," he offered.

"Really?" I said,

"Yeah, it would take me about…five minutes. Or less," he said, a bit smug.

"I've worked hard on that you know, it's all my sweat and blood," I said, laughing.

He leaned away a bit. Oops.

"Oh! I'm sorry, no pun intended,"

He grinned. "You should go to sleep you know, you're sick and it's nearly two in the morning,"

I lied back down and he sat on the spot where he sat on the first night we talked with his back resting on the side of my bed, the back of his head facing me.

"How did I get changed anyway?" I said, blood creeping up my cheeks.

"I did it," he said simply.

"What?" I demanded.

"I closed my eyes. I did it in three seconds tops and I didn't even touch you except for the shoulders," he said, "Stop feeling embarrassed, I swear I didn't look. I'm from the South anyway, I was brought up to be a gentleman." He added with amusement.

_He couldn't leave me in my wet clothes,_ I rationalized frantically.

"How about Charlie?" I asked then, trying to think about something else.

He tossed a crumpled paper to me.

"I gave him that,"

I spread it evenly and read it in the moonlight:

_Dad,_

_I'm not feeling well tonight and I wanted to rest early. I ordered pizza for your dinner. Goodnight, see you tomorrow morning._

_B._

The handwriting faintly resembled my own.

"He checked on you twice," he said.

"Oh, that's nice," I felt an eerie calmness engulf me and though I fought hard to stay awake and keep talking to Jasper, I drifted off to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**-----**

**IX. ANSWERS**

**-----**

"ARE YOU _SURE_?"

"Jasper, cut it out, I'm fine," I said, miffed.

"Okay," he said lightly. "I'm excited for you to see this, anyway,"

It was the next day and Jasper and I are on our way to my tree house. He was reluctant to take me out first, well, I must admit I _didn't _feel so good today but I wanted to see it so bad. I woke up today and he was grinning, he said he'd already finished everything in four minutes and thirteen seconds. It was another thing I liked about him. He doesn't nag.

The sky was cloudy and gray, but at least it wasn't raining. I was wrapped in my thickest sweater, but I still felt chills. I looked at Jasper using my peripheral vision and I can't help but notice the distance between us.

"How bad is it?" I asked reluctantly.

"What?"

"Being close to me today," I said, walking farther away from him but keeping my voice light.

"I'd rather not talk about it, I _am_ in control though, Bella. Make no mistake," his voice was grim but I could tell he was sure, "This is good practice for me, too. I'll hunt later after I've shown you the tree house,"

"Okay," I said, "Thanks again, Jasper. This means a lot. I'll probably be delayed not only because of fever but of broken bones as well, if it weren't for you,"

"Delayed?" he asked, "Are you looking forward to something?"

"The tree house isn't that high for nothing, you know," I said, looking back over my shoulder with a smile, "It's got this great view of the sunset when the sun comes out, which would be next week on Thursday. I wanted to be finished by then,"

"Really?" he said, interested.

"You're welcome to watch it with me, you know," I said.

The moment I said it something suddenly held me back. The tree house was my sanctuary _away_ from the Cullens. The very purpose I renovated it was so that I could have a place to run away and pretend I've never met any of them.

Jasper quickly sensed the hesitation and I could feel his eyes burning holes behind my back as he concentrated with my emotions.

A bigger part of me wanted to be with him, after all, I did owe him.

"Yeah," I said firmly, "You should watch with me…if you want to,"

"Maybe I shouldn't," he said.

"Don't you want to?" I asked, looking behind at him again as we walked.

"Sure Bella, I do, but…do you?"

"Yes, of course," I said smiling. He must have felt the sincerity because he smiled back.

"Okay,"

We talked about some random stuff as we walked until we reached the stream. And I gasped.

The tree house was complete with glass panes in the windows, every inch of the wood varnished to perfection. The roof was fixed and the fragile wooden steps were replaced with new ropes and sturdy wood.

"This is…amazing," I said, I couldn't help the wide smile that spread across my face.

"Do you like it?" he said, smiling down at me too.

"You have to ask?" I said incredulously. Every cell in my body was awed and happy. "I want to climb up,"

"Okay," he said, "Let's go,"

The Southern gentleman that he is, he let me go up first even though it would take him a millisecond to climb up on his own. I slipped on the way up once, but he easily caught me. I felt him stop breathing and I apologized over and over. But he just smiled.

The tree house was tall enough for me to walk in kneeling, but wide enough if I wanted to lie down.

"I want to show you something," he said once we got inside. He pulled a couple of flaps from the roof and threw them open and I instantly had a view of the sky outside. He stood up and breathed in the fresh air as he closed his eyes.

"Wow," I said, awed again. "You say you did this in five minutes?"

"Four," he said smugly.

I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed. He reached out his hand to me,

"Come here," he told me. I knew he could sense the embarrassment but again, he just smiled. I felt the color rise up to my cheeks as I took his hand and stood up beside him.

I marveled the view from the top of the trees and inhaled the fresh air too. It's funny now how I disliked Forks before. The forest was beautiful—like you could expect yourself seeing a fairytale character walking any time soon. I grinned at the thought. Jasper wasn't a fairytale creature but you wouldn't have expected him to be real, too. It was like magic.

"What's so funny?" he asked with a smile.

I turned to look at him and suspected that he's been watching me closely. I blushed again.

"Nothing," I said.

He smiled again and in a wavy blur he wasn't standing up anymore but sitting on the roof, and I looked up at him.

"Sit here," he said. "The view's better,"

I was hesitant, of course. Knowing my balance and lack of self-coordination, it's nearly impossible for me _not_ to fall down.

"What's the worst that could happen, Bella?" he teased.

I stuck my tongue out at him like a child and grinned. He laughed and it was...one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard. I realized that this was the first time I've ever heard him laugh aloud. It was very magnetic and contagious, I could only laugh along with him.

"Are you controlling my emotions or something?" I asked.

"Why?" he asked, curious.

"Just answer it,"

"No, I'm not doing anything,"

"For real?"

"Yes," he said, still incredulous. "Why?"

"It's just that... I'm feeling so... light," I said.

We were quiet for a while, contented.

"I feel the same," he said quietly.

I didn't know if I felt embarassment or gladness. Maybe a mixture of both, and a blush crept to my cheeks as I realized he knew what I was feeling. But like always, he pretended he didn't know anything and he was good at it.

"How does it work?" I asked him, "Your ability?"

"I can...control the emotions of the people around me, and I can tell what they're feeling, but I don't know the reasons behind these feelings. That I could only guess,"

"No one can lie to you then," I said.

"If only they're experts," he replied.

"Isn't that annoying?" I said, "Knowing what everybody is feeling?"

"At first, but I got used to it after a while,"

I opened my mouth to ask another question that was on top of my head but I immediately closed it.

"What?" he said, "You're hesitant--nervous,"

"It's nothing,"

"Embarassed,"

"Stop it," I said, snickering, elbowing him out of instinct. "Ouch!"

"You can tell me, you know," he said, rubbing my elbow with his cool fingers.

The sudden contact shot sparks along my nerves and I was suddenly taken aback.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You were asking...?"

"Oh," I said, focusing. Edward. "Did...did he, _Edward_, really--"

"Yes," he replied quickly, his smile vanishing. "He really did, I could tell from miles away,"

"Then why--?"

"I don't know," he hung his head. "I'm sorry, Bella. Maybe you expect me to have all the answers, but the truth of the matter is, I'm looking for them, too. I want to know if there's still something worth--living for. Would she hate me for living? Would she have wanted me to follow? Does she miss me? Questions, thousands of them are bumping into each other in my head. But I can't answer a single one. I can only answer one question of yours, though. Yes, Edward really loved you. It's the truth, Bella we both know it, and it's wrong for you to question it."

"How can I not?" I said quietly. "I miss him _so_ much,"

"I understand," he replied. And I knew he really did.

-----------------

**Authoress's Note: **Ok. I get a lot of emails from coming from you guys, putting this story as one of your favorites and/or putting this on your story alert. Though I appreciate that you follow my story, I hope that you also find the time to write REVIEWS because that's what keeps me going on. I know that I have shortcomings as a writer, but I surely hope you'd review faithfully. Reviews are my vitamins. Thank you for your support. :) - HSSV.


	11. Chapter 11

**-----**

**X. CHARCOAL**

**-----**

I didn't know how long we were there, looking at the gray sky and watching birds fly by in various formations. Talking about random things, getting to know each other further... I barely noticed the sky turning darker--grayer, but Jasper pointed it out.

"It's getting late," he said serenely with the merest hint of a smile. "Let's go,"

"Later," I said, a whining edge to my tone. I really didn't want to leave yet.

He gave me another smile, "Okay," he said, "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I said half-honestly. I still felt feverish but emotionally, I felt a whole lot better off than I was days ago.

"You're still hot," he muttered, "Maybe I should take you home,"

I looked down, defeated. Yes, I think I do need to lie down. I picked up the now empty lunch basket I brought for myself and got ready to leave.

My hands were shaking slightly as I went down the ladder, slower than usual as to avoid accidents. Jasper jumped down from the treehouse with a gush of wind past me, to assist me as I climbed down. His cold touch didn't help much and I shivered. I felt a bit wobbly for sitting down too long and as I settled my feet on the ground, my knees gave out. Jasper was there to catch me immediately.

"Hey," he said worriedly, "Are you alright?"

"Yes," I said quickly, straightening up. "Yeah, I am,"

"No, I'll carry you back so you'd get to rest quicker," he said urgently.

"But--" the bloodlust.

"I'll stop breathing," he said, knowing what I was about to say.

"It's unnecessary..." I started, but I was already in his arms, bridal style, he was careful not to let his hands touch my skin as he was wearing a dark blue sweater. I snuggled close to the soft fabric and closed my eyes, I really didn't like super-speed.

I think I was half-asleep when Jasper and I entered my room with a bit of difficulty through the window. He laid me gently on the bed and I didn't want to open my eyes.

"Bella," he whispered in my ear. Shivers went up my spine and it wasn't because of the chills.

"Hmmm?" my eyelids were too heavy.

"You can let go of my sweater now," I could hear the amusement in his voice as my eyes flew open.

Jasper's face was merely inches away from mine and the reason apparently was because my hands were still tightly clutching his sweatshirt. I let go immediately before my brain melted away into his eyes. He didn't move for a few more seconds and I looked straight into his eyes, the haunting red orbs that only a week ago had made me scared almost to the point of insanity. It's bizaare how I found them so... captivating now. What more if his eyes were golden-brown.

Golden-brown. Edward's eyes.

I looked away and he retaliated too, drawing back and sitting on his usual spot maybe so he wouldn't have to face me.

"How are you feeling?" he asked me again.

I reached out to get my medicine kit from my bedside table and took some Tylenol for my fever.

"I'll be better in no time," I assured him.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have taken you out today, you're temperature's worse than last night," he said, regret evident in his voice. "This is a stupid excuse but it's true, I've forgotten what it's like to be human completely, I should have been more sensitive when it comes to your health,"

"You shouldn't be sorry, today wast the most fun I've had in a while. Really," I told him honestly. "And you know it,"

"If it doesn't gets better soon, I'm sure Charlie will take you to the hospital when he gets here," he said.

"No," I disagreed, still stubborn. "I don't want to go to the hospital, I'll be _fine_."

He chuckled, "You act like a five-year-old,"

"It's the fever talking," I amended with a blush.

"Go to sleep," he said, "I'm going to hunt,"

"Will I see you again?" I asked shyly, not meeting his gaze.

"I'll be here when you open your eyes," his voice calmed me and with his ability I'm sure, I felt so peaceful and I immediately fell asleep.

Morning came hours later and he was there, just as he said. I felt better than I did the night before, so the fever must have gone down. My throat felt sore though.

"You're up," he said moving so quickly his hands were blurry. From the looks of it, he deposited something white in a black leather bag. I didn't think much of it.

"Yeah," I said as he sat next to me, "You're here. How was your hunt?"

"Plenty of antelopes," he said, wrinkling his nose. "I didn't go too far,"

"What's wrong with antelopes?" I asked with a grin.

"Herbivores," he said, "They taste different than carnivores,"

"Oh. Vampire veggies, huh?"

He smiled, "Yeah, like broccoli. How are you feeling?"

"I think my fever's gone," I told him,

"You're right," he said, touching my forehead with his hand.

He withdrew his hand and nodded pointedly to my bedside table. It had soup on it, a glass of orange juice and a note. He took the note and gave it to me.

_Bells._

_I cooked instant soup for you. I didn't have to do much actually, just pour powdered contents on boiling water. I followed the instructions closely, so you won't end up with an upset stomach. I'm sorry I can't be there to look after you today, I was intending to but I got calls from the station. You know how it goes. You were asleep last night when I checked up on you so I didn't get to ask how you were. _

_Hope you feel lots better today,_

_Dad_

I wasn't really used to being taken care of so I somehow felt my eyes sting.

"Your dad really loves you, you know," Jasper said quietly.

"He didn't have to cook for me," I said, but I was smiling as I laid the bowl of soup on my lap.

"You want me to go down and heat it up for you?"

"No, I'm good," I replied, it was still warm.

I ate my soup quietly and I noticed him watching me closely. I cleared my throat but he still stared. Apparently, he was enjoying himself watching me squirm uncomfortably. I immediately searched for something to talk about.

"What's gotten your hands dirty?" I asked him curiously. His pale hands were smudged with black.

"Huh?" he looked down at them, "Oh, I was doing...something...not a big deal," he wiped the dirt off on his dark jeans.

I got even more curious and now I enjoy watching him squirm.

"No, really. Tell me," I implored.

"It's nothing," he said...shyly?

"What are you hiding from me?" I asked him, my curiosity now fully aroused.

"Nothing!" he said. I smiled. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" he said exasperatedly.

My eyes fell across the room. To the armchair he was sitting on a while ago, where a black leather bag now sat. He moved quick as lightning and sat on the chair.

"Say, Jasper, what's in the bag?"

"Nothing important," he said, I wondered if he would be blushing now if he could.

"Show me," I insisted.

"You're stubborn," he said with a frown.

"I won't let it rest, you know," I smiled.

"Enjoy yourself," he said stiffly. I snickered. "Finish your soup, Bella,"

By the time my bowl was drained, I might have asked Jasper to show me the contents of his bag about fifty times but he never caved. I got more and more intrigued, and I made a mental note to check it out one day.

I drifted in and out of sleep the whole day, letting my whole body rest. I'd wake up to Jasper's gentle hands on my arms, waking me up to drink my medicine. For someone who hadn't been human for quite a while, he sure was a good nurse. But of course, he was only making up for taking me out yesterday.

The next day, I woke up too early, having slept for an awful lot of time. It was just three in the morning, Jasper wasn't there and I couldn't help but feel disappointed, for some reason. Remembering the day before, I immediately wheeled around to the armchair. There lied the black leather envelope bag he was hiding from me yesterday. If it was truly something bad, he'd never let it out of his sight would he? Then maybe...I could...sneak a peak?

It was wrong to go through other people's stuff but I was still curious about Jasper. I wanted to know what made him tick. Edward's features were easy enough to read sometimes, but Jasper's serene aura, his mysterious eyes that held a lot of pain... he made me want to know more. Before I could stop myself, I was opening the bag. Inside was a handsome sketchbook and inscribed in front with a manly scrawl was Jasper's name... _Jasper Whitlock_.

The front and back cover were tied together with a rich golden ribbon and I carefully untied it. The first page was a perfect charcoal drawing of Alice Cullen. He was so good, I was mesmerized. Every detail was carefully-drawn. The cherubic faces of Da Vinci's paintings were no match to the way Jasper drew Alice's gentle features. The next few pages showed more beautiful portraits of Alice Cullen, sometimes she posed but most of the time it seemed she wasn't aware that she was being drawn.

"Enjoying yourself?" an amused voice said.

Before I knew what was happening, I felt a gush of wind blow and the sketchbook was out of my hands. With a blink, Jasper Cullen stood in front of me with a pointed look that said "Explain yourself".

"Your drawings are really beautiful, I can't see the point why you'd have to hide them from me," I said defensively.

"Relax, Bella," he said, probably referring to my heartbeat. "I'm not mad,"

_No, that's not it._

"There was just something inside the sketchbook yesterday that was...private," he said, his thoughts drifting away.

I left it at that. If Jasper was hiding something private from me, I have to respect it. I felt rather foolish.

"How was your hunt?" I asked, keeping my voice light.

"I was gone for five hours so I enjoyed myself pretty well," he said and now that I noticed it, his eyes were topaz again. "Didn't have time to enjoy it much though, because I didn't know when you'd be waking up and snooping around my things," he grinned and sat on the side of my bed, I lied down on the bed next to him, his back facing me.

I didn't know what was making me feel this way, but I was suddenly overcome by this wave of sadness, and I was pretty sure Jasper wasn't doing anything. He sensed it and urgently turned his head to look at me. My eyes watered and my heart thundered in my chest, knowing what I was about to do. I reached out and pulled his shirt gently, he obliged and lied down, facing me. He looked in my eyes, not saying anything, as though he understood. His eyes, now topaz again, glinted in the moonlight and flashes of the past burned into my memory. Tears fell freely and I buried my face in my palms, not wanting him to see me so weak.

Jasper pulled me close and took me into his arms and I clutched his shirt, draining all the comfort I could get. His cold skin matched _his_, in a way, but this was different. I couldn't tell what it was, but I knew I could tell the difference between Jasper and Edward's embrace.

"Shh," he whispered in my ear. "I'm sorry, Bella. For whatever it is,"

It pained me how he was here knowing that someday he'd go too.

"Promise me," I whispered back in between the tears, "Promise me that you'd never leave me, Jasper,"

"I-I promise," he said, holding me just a bit tighter.

_Liar. _More tears fell.

______________________________

**A/N: **Thank you for the response you gave to my last chapter. As a treat, I uploaded this one earlier than intended. Keep the reviews coming so I'd upload chapters faster. :D

-- HSSV


	12. Chapter 12

**-----**

**XI. INDIGO**

**-----**

"BUT--"

"It's _alright_, Bella," he repeated for the nth time.

The embarassment that flowed through me was so evident you could tell just by looking. The evidence was on my cheeks. But Jasper just smiled, shrugged it off even though he knew perfectly well how I was feeling.

"I'm sorry," I said. Again. "It wasn't right, and I wasn't thinking straight,"

We were at the treehouse, since it's the sunny Thursday I've been looking forward to, and Jasper was on the roof again while I stayed inside, waiting for my cheeks to calm down. Plus, I couldn't look at him straight in the eye.

Catching a glimpse of Edward in his eyes and seeing Alice's face made me break down last night. I understood that now. It was childish and stupid of me to trap Jasper with his words. I shouldn't expect things from him, especially since he's the one Cullen I have to be extra careful with. And I just didn't have the _right_. Remembering it still brought stinging to my eyes... I couldn't help but wish that the promise he made was true.

"Bella," his voice woke me from my thoughts.

"Yes?"

_Why am I being formal?_

"Come up here," he said.

I took a deep breath and proceeded to climb up on the roof with his assistance. The breeze blew my hair and I immediately noticed him stop breathing. I hate this situation where these beautiful and unbelievably generous vampires would have to adjust to _me_. I sat down next to him, unable to say anything and I thought it somewhat felt a bit uncomfortable. The breeze stopped and he inhaled the fresh air around us.

He was glittering under the sun and his beauty has taken me again by surprise. His blonde locks were before his eyes, shielding them from view. He was wearing a tan-colored pair of pants, and a black sweater, a sharp contrast to his pale skin.

"Bella," he started, not quite looking at me. "It would be unfair if I adjust your mood just so you wouldn't feel that way. But I just want to say that it's perfectly normal, we're wounded people, you and I. And wounds heal but scars remain,"

He smiled at me gently.

"I don't mind at all," he said, his eyes piercing mine, "I want you to know Bella, that I would never want to hurt you so I'm saying this while it's still early. I am here to help you cope, to help you heal, the same way I need you to do the same to me. But when you're healed and happy, I have to go. You know it will come eventually, right? But I am promising you now, that I will be here for you. And even when I leave, I won't vanish completely from your life. I'll keep in touch for sure,"

His fingers traced my cheek and I was at a loss for words because of his speech.

"Thank you," was all I could say. But the emotion that was beneath my words was evident, and I really didn't have to say anything.

The sunset was in the horizon in front of us and with a swift move, he closed the distance between us and laid his head on my shoulder, very lightly, as though he was afraid I would break.

The sky was slowly turning orange, and into another beautiful color. It reminded me of something...

"Jasper?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you know the story behind the color of the sunset?" I asked him quietly.

"No," he said, I could tell he was smiling even though I couldn't see his face. "Tell me,"

I smiled, recalling the story that my mom once told me back in phoenix when I was seven.

"Long ago, God made seven angels to color the world: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet," I told him. He listened, seemingly comfortable with our position, "The angels were very excited to go down to earth and spread their color, but Indigo got held back. She saw a baby deer trapped in a thorny bush, and she knew it was so young that it could die if she didn't help. She spent all day saving the baby deer. The bush was tricky, since it could cut him severely with the wrong move. By the time she finally got him out, it was noon and everything was colored.

When she saw this, she cried. 'Now the people will never see my color,' she said. The other angels never noticed she was missing and didn't save anything for her. They stood before God and Indigo still wouldn't stop crying, the baby deer was in her arms, its legs bandaged and everything. God smiled at her kindly and placed and arm around her shoulders, steering her back to earth. The other angels followed. He said, 'For your good deed, I will let you color the most beautiful thing on earth,' 'But we already colored everything!' said the other angels. God just smiled and told her to color the sky, which was now in deep orange. She blew on her palm towards the sky and produced the most beautiful, rarest color in the world. You could only see indigo during sunsets,"

We were quiet again, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Wow," he said, "It was a beautiful story."

_This is the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen._

"And this is one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen in my life," he said, echoing my thoughts.

I smiled and I felt assured, happy, even.

"Jasper I'm proud of you," I told him quietly after a while.

"For what?" he asked me, surprised.

"You've been doing so well, resisting the...wine," I said, using Edward's metaphor. He understood me quickly.

"Well," Jasper said, smiling, "I mastered a technique, if you could call it that,"

"What?" I asked, curious again.

"I just have to avert my attention somewhere else, it's easier when I'm not thinking about it," he said. "There are even a few seconds when I forget that you're human,"

"Wow," I said, "You're doing well with your self control,"

"Still can't risk you, though," he said in a warning voice, sitting up straight again. "Sometimes I go on for hours without breathing,"

I kept quiet, listening, as he looked into the horizon.

"It's becoming easier everyday," he said, barely audible. "And I keep thinking if they could do it, so can I,"

I smiled to myself. I was unraveling Jasper more and more everyday. He is a gentleman, I pondered, remembering that first night. He's thoughtful, I never had better care when I was sick. He is talented, decades of practice honed his artistic skills to perfection. He is loving and he is kind. He makes me feel...free. Jasper was surely no Edward, though they have vague similarities. He gave me facts, made me see reality, no matter how harsh it is. He gives me the real picture, not a warped fairytale where everything is okay, which was what Edward did.

"Thank you, Bella," he said, waking me from my stupor. "For not pushing me away,"

"I should be the one thanking you," I told him.

Before us, the sun slowly disappeared and I watched as Jasper's glittering skin slowly fade back into it's pallor. The moon was high in the sky and we looked into each other's eyes, not speaking. The faint moonlight washed over us, and his eyes I saw my reflection. My skin was as white as his and for once I could make-believe we were equals.

Authoress's Note: So there. Tell me what's on your mind. I need my vitamins. :D


	13. Chapter 13

**-----**

**XII. NAMES**

**-----**

I gulped as I opened the door, preparing to face my father's wrath. I didn't know for sure what it was about but I had an idea. Jasper had warned me and he gave me a comforting squeeze on the shoulder before disappearing with abnormal speed to my bedroom. He warned me that my father was feeling extremely angry and asked me whether he should calm him down. I just sighed and told him not to, it's probably good to get this off his chest now than have him explode some other time. And I knew I deserved it.

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!!!"

I jumped.

"Hey, Dad," I said quietly, looking at my feet.

"How long do you think you could keep this from me?! This is an awfully small town, Bella!!!"

"Dad, I--"

"Where have you been for the past three weeks?!"

"Dad let me--"

"I am so disappointed in you!!!"

"I'm sorry, okay!" I said loudly before he could cut me again, this time looking up to see his face.

His face was very red and he had his eyes closed. He was sitting on the couch massaging his temple, a vein visibly peaking through. He did look very disappointed and guilt washed over me like somebody threw a bucket of ice cold water on top of my head. Outbursts like this only happen a few times in Charlie's life, I reckon. I fell further in the pit of guilt.

"I'm not defending what I've done and I'm certainly not proud of it but... I just felt like I wanted to take a break, Dad. From everything."

He was quiet for a long time, his eyes still closed, teeth clenched and massaging his temples.

"You," he finally said after a while, "Are going to school on Monday,"

"Of course," I said, wanting this to be over quickly.

I waited a bit if he would say anything else and when he didn't, I hurried to my room.

"He was really disappointed," Jasper said softly as I locked the door behind me.

The room was dark with only the moonlight streaming in through the window, bouncing on his skin, making him even more ethereal. If that was even possible. He was sitting up on my bed, his back on the headboard.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"It's partly my fault, I'm sorry," he said, frowning.

"It's okay," I said, "I was the one who didn't want to go to school,"

Jasper grinned at me. "We still have three days before Monday. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," I said, shrugging.

We were both silent for a while.

"I have an idea," he finally said.

"What?" I asked, intrigued.

"It's a surprise," he replied. "You won't have to wait long, though. Tomorrow night."

I threw a pillow at him.

"I hate surprises," I mumbled.

"You'll like this one, I think," he said.

Dinner was a quiet affair that night. Charlie gave me the silent treatment, maybe so that I'd get to reflect on my wrongdoings. It worked effectively enough. My conscience was eating me away as I chewed the lasagna I cooked. It tasted good but I didn't have the appetite. I made a mental promise to make it up and go to school on Monday wholeheartedly.

After doing the dishes absentmindedly, I went back to my room and Jasper was there, sitting on the floor beside my bed. His eyes traveled to mine and I tried avoiding them.

"You shouldn't be so guilty, Bella," he said gently, turning around so that he now faced the bed. He rested his chin on my mattress.

I didn't answer. I just turned to face him, lying sideways.

His left hand crawled slowly from the floor and on the top of my bed, I watched it curiously. His topaz eyes were on his hand, careful, hesitant, entranced... A finger stroked the back of my hand very gently. He did this for a while until he opened up his palm and closed it around my hand and I only just noticed that he was holding back a breath which he let out as a sigh of relief. He smiled at me as his eyes held mine.

His touch melted my heart, and even though I couldn't fully understand the pain he has to go through to touch me, to breathe the air around me, I would forever be thankful for him. For whatever deity that led him into my life. Jasper was my sun, I realized. I gravitate around him. He keeps me sane. Without him, I'd drift back to depression.

"You needed the time to be alone," he reminded me in a low voice, still holding my hand lightly.

"I know," I whispered, looking at our intertwined hands. "But I hate making Charlie miserable,"

"Your emotions are awry. You're both happy and sad," he suddenly pointed out. "I wonder why,"

I blushed scarlet but didn't answer. He looked at the wall and made a move to remove his hand but I held it in mine.

"For a little while longer, please?" I pleaded.

He just looked at our hands and smiled.

I didn't exactly know when it was that I had fallen asleep, but suddenly, I was back into the forest again, where Edward left me.

"You don't...want me?" my voice was steady but it was obvious that whatever it was I was holding on to keep myself collected was very thin.

Then suddenly, his cold face morphed into somebody else's. I was confused and afraid but the blonde hair was unmistakable.

"No, don't leave me," I said, tears streaming down my face. "You're my sun...my sun..."

"Goodbye, Bella," he turned around but I grabbed onto his hand.

"NO!"

I sat up on my bed, sweating and panting heavily, tears were streaming out of my face.

"Bella!" Jasper's melodic voice was drenched with worry. He sat up on my bed, still not letting go of my hand. "It was just a dream,"

"Did I say anything? In my sleep?" I asked urgently.

"You said Edward's name," he said gently.

I calmed down. "Oh,"

"Well..."

"Yeah?" I said, looking at him.

"You said my name, too," his eyes held mine, curiosity and awe evident in them.

------------------------------

**Authoress's Note: **Evil cliffy. Tell me what you think PLEASE! Do not forget to REVIEW!

REPLIES:

**luv4ed -** I'm sorry but I think it's inevitable for Bella to compare. She had never been close with anyone this way before except for Edward, so naturally, she would compare. I didn't make it so people would buy my plotline. I'm just making points, showing her marvelling how the two of them were different. And it's a fact that Bella's annoyed when Edward makes things seem like it's all fine and dandy. She supposes how nice of a change it was to be delivered with the truth. I'm sorry I didn't make it clearer. I'll try squeezing it in the following chapters. Thanks for pointing it out.


	14. Chapter 14

**-----**

**XIII. SKETCH**

**-----**

"What else did I say?" my heart thumped wildly and I really wished it didn't.

"Nothing," he said calmly and I calmed down with him. "Just my name and you were crying. What did you dream about?"

"Alice," I said quickly. It made me feel guilty to use her memory like this but for some reason I didn't want to tell Jasper _again _that I was afraid he would abandon me. We had already covered the topic and I didn't want to dig it again.

"Oh," he said, but realization didn't hit his eyes. Maybe he already assumed that it was about her?

Jasper didn't talk again and I realized he was being quiet so I can go back to sleep. The dream floated in and out of my conscious mind. What did it mean? Well, dreams don't necessarily mean anything do they? Just a story that my twisted mind makes up. We held hands still, I suppose it's good practice for him. It was comforting, the way he would squeeze my hand from time to time. But the dream still bothered me. Am I falling for--? No. Of course not. He was the love of Alice's life, his _soulmate_. And I vowed that I would wait for Edward. I belong to him and no one else. He was bound to come back, right? In the brink of being between sleep and consciousness, I had a fleeting image of myself aged, wrinkled, white-haired welcoming Edward's seventeen-year-old perfection into my arms.

Faces and voices weaved in and out of my dreams that night. My eyes would open every so often and Jasper would smile at me and stroke my hair, lulling me back to sleep.

I could tell it was late when I opened my eyes.

"Good morning," Jasper's deep musical voice rang in my room.

Our hands weren't together anymore. I was a bit disappointed and I tried to hide it. I comforted myself in the thought that he doesn't have a clue about my feelings.

"'Morning," I said, my voice thick with sleep.

"I hope it doesn't rain much today," he said, looking out my window.

"Good luck with that," I said with a smile, "Why?"

"For your surprise," he replied smoothly.

I groaned. I forgot about it.

"What has rain got to do with it?" I asked dully.

"I've already said too much," he frowned.

"Don't worry, I've no idea," I told him honestly.

He smiled again.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Jasper went off to hunt and I was left alone in the house. I did the chores I've neglected and listened to some CDs. Some--well, okay, most of them reminded me of Edward. We kind of had a mutual liking to the same genres, though we hadn't really talked about it much. It made me realize how many things there were that we hadn't conversed about.

After my bath, I took a book off the shelf. It was a bit dusty--I haven't read in ages, I realized. I sat on my bed and started rereading _Wuthering Heights._ It just doesn't get old. The CD was still playing, and I took no notice, letting myself drown in Emily Bronte's novel. Jasper found me halfway through the novel late that afternoon.

"Hey," I said, looking up from the book but keeping my finger in to mark the page I was reading. "Good hunt?"

"Yes," he said. There was something odd to his smile, like he was up to something. And I remembered he was. The surprise.

"Can I have my surprise now?" I said, "It isn't raining,"

And it wasn't. The sky was just a mix of grays and whites. No blue in sight.

"Silly Bella," he said, sitting beside me, "You can't have it right now,"

"When, then?" I said, unintentionally whiny.

He laughed, "Later,"

I smiled at him and didn't push the subject further. He wouldn't budge no matter what I did anyway. I went back to my book.

"That again," he said. "Don't you get tired of it?"

"Never," I said, my voice reverent. "It's my favorite,"

"I can see that,"

"How did you know I read this all the time anyway?"

"It's got the most creases and folds," he said, talking about the spine.

"What else do you do when I'm asleep?" I asked him, grinning. "Have you been going through my stuff?"

"No, of course not," he said, then did a double-take. "Just the ones on the shelf,"

I laughed. I didn't mind.

"Go back to your reading," he said, nodding to my book.

He brought out his sketchbook from the leather bag he leaves on the armchair and started drawing.

I wished it would stay like this forever. The comfortable silence, Yellowcard playing in the background, him just sketching away as I read my favorite book...

"I have to go make Charlie's dinner," I said after a while.

Dinnertime and still no surprise. I was beginning to get more and more curious.

"Okay," he smiled up at me. He knew that I was getting impatient and he was loving it.

It annoyed me that I didn't have a clue what it could be. Knowing Jasper, there were endless possibilities and I couldn't even put a finger on one. I prepared Charlie's dinner in silence, concerned that he still wasn't talking to me. Not even a greeting. Or a post-it note this morning. The guilt was thick in the air and I was suffocating on it. Still, I decided no to say anything. Charlie would talk to me when he's cooled down.

"Dinner's ready," I announced.

Charlie gruffly got up from the sofa, brows furrowed, and sat down on one of the mismatched dining chairs. The fried chicken I cooked tasted okay, but I had trouble pushing it down my throat. Somebody's got to say something. I grabbed a glass of water and decided to talk.

"Bella," Charlie got there first.

We weren't good in things like these.

"I understand how hard this must be for you," he said with a sigh. "That...boy took so much out of you when he left. And now his sister, too." _You forgot Edward's brother, _I thought. "I know you needed to be alone but you shouldn't throw everything away just because they left. I know you're sad but you should set your priorities straight. You're eighteen years old and you'd be graduating in a year."

"I know, Dad," I said guiltily, fiddling the chicken with my fork. "I'm going to make it up to you, I promise,"

"You're better than this," he said.

I didn't respond after that.

After the dishes, I walked back up to my room feeling a bit nervous. I held a breath as I turned the doorknob, half-expecting to see confetti and party balloons. But the room was pretty much the same way it was when I left a while ago.

"Is it time for my surprise yet?" I asked Jasper who sat, smiling at me from his armchair, the sketchbook on his lap.

"No," he said, smirking.

"Ugh," I said with a groan. "I can't stand the suspense,"

"I know," he said with a laugh.

"What are you drawing?" I asked him, trying to divert my attention somewhere else.

"Esme," he said. "I haven't drawn her in a while,"

I sat on the armchair beside him and peeked. There was Esme, in a black and white portrait, in all her beauty and radiance.

"You don't need a model or something?" I asked breathlessly.

"I can do well without a model, but I prefer having one," he said, "But it doesn't make much of a difference,"

"Jasper," I said, my heart speeding up again. He looked at me with a curious expression. "Will you--I mean, if only you want to, will you draw a picture of me?"

I felt the blood flood through my cheeks and I couldn't meet his eyes. My heart thudded in my chest some more.

"Sure, Bella," he said, but he wasn't smiling.

Isabella Swan stood before me, her cheeks flaming red, her heartbeat accelerating. The venom pooled in my mouth and the monster I tried to keep at bay was stirring awake. It was easier now, than before, to stop myself during times like these. Being with Bella for a huge amount of time changed me in more ways than I could count. It woke human instincts that were long since forgotten. I have never met anyone like her and I'm not ashamed to say it. I now realize what it is that Edward had been crazy about. I could not believe I used to find it childish and stupid. The restraint he had to last so long used to be unbelievable but I can see now. It wasn't so hard. Once you begin to know Bella, her fears, her fragility, her bravery... you couldn't help but admire and aspire to be like her.

She's asking me to sketch her, to look at her features in detail, watch the blood circulating around her body. Draw her face and watch the redness of her cheeks. I'd so much rather face the wrath of a hundred vampire armies. But one look on her red face, her shy eyes afraid of my rejection, and I knew I couldn't say no.

"Sure, Bella," I said, weighing the magnitude of this task.

It was still very hard for me be around her, but I swear that I have improved. From a scale of one to ten, what used to be a solid ten is now an eight. That's better than nothing, is it not? I could now touch her, though I must admit it's a lot easier when she's not nervous and blushing. I could now stay in the same room breathing freely. Everytime the monster in me gnaws the chains I trapped it with, I would think of Edward and how he had the strength. The scent was ten thousand times worse to him.

"Um," Bella's voice was abnormally high-pitched. I tried to distract myself from her pounding heartbeat. "What should I do?"

I smiled in reassurance. She didn't _have _to be uncomfortable around me.

"Lie down on the bed," I instructed. "On your back, face me--no, not too stiffly, just try to relax,"

She did as she was told and took a deep calming breath. She looked at me and smiled. "What next?"

"Just keep your eyes on mine," I said quietly.

_(Listen to _**Hello Love Goodbye - To Be Juliet's Secret** _link on profile)_

The moonlight streamed through the open window as it always was and she was partly hidden in the darkness. Her auburn hair cascaded in soft waves on her back. I concentrated for a while on making her calm down. It would be easier if she wasn't nervous. My eyes travelled on her face as my charcoal pencil started outlining her features. Her chocolate-brown eyes were wide and deep, full of questions and silent fears but still held an indignant courage that refused to be ignored. The long eyelashes would bat once in a while when she blinks. Her nose was small and rather pointed but it still bragged perfection. Her pink lips were full and opened slightly, as they always were. I believe she has no idea how inviting those lips of her can be.

"What are you thinking?" she asked softly.

"Nothing," I amended. _Just your lips. _"Something random, why?"

"You were smiling slightly," she said.

Good save.

I just smiled at her and continued drawing. I was reminded fondly of how I used to draw Alice before. She would look at me with her piercing yet loving eyes and I wouldn't be able to finish because her emotions would overwhelm me and we'd end up with our lips together. I miss Alice more and more everyday but the pain has subsided a bit, I could tell. It was this human girl in front of me that saved me. I would have destroyed myself soon if I hadn't come across her inside the old house. I soon found that it was easier to be around her, than to be around anybody else. Her sadness and longing and pain was similar to mine and I craved the company of somebody that understood.

She missed Edward as much as I missed Alice. She made that clear everynight when she would mutter his name in her sleep. Sometimes she would smile and I would smile, too, knowing she was having a happy dream. But there were times, such as last night, when she would get nightmares. About the day he left her, I suppose. And I couldn't help but feel this ripple of anger. _How _could he do that to Bella? I didn't think much of it before. It was Edward's affairs and I didn't want to meddle, but now, knowing Bella and how vulnerable she was, I was angry at him for leaving her like that.

I was holding her hand, when suddenly her heartbeat sped and her breaths came in short, quick pants.

"Edward," she whispered. "No--don't. Don't go--no..."

I was about to wake her up when she uttered something else.

"Jasper--no. Don't leave me... You're my...sun..."

"Bella," I tugged her hand slightly. "Bella, wake up,"

"NO!" she sat bolt up right looking dazed.

I assured her that she was dreaming and when she asked me what she said in her sleep, I told her she said Edward's name. She looked mollified, but I wanted to see her reaction if I told her she said my name. So I did.

She...panicked. _Why?_

"What else did I say?" her heartbeat started speeding up.

"Just my name and you were crying," I lied as I made her calm down. It worked instantly. "What did you dream about?"

"Alice," she replied. It was obvious she was lying--and she was guilty about it.

Why would she want to hide it from me? It was no secret that she had fear on being abandoned. It was perfectly fine. And I wasn't going anywhere--yet. Her fears were nothing. I didn't think much of it.

The portrait was finished and I scrawled my signature on the bottom.

Isabella Marie Swan

by Jasper Whitlock Cullen

"It's finished," I told her.

"May I see?" she said, excited.

"Here," I said, handing her the sketchbook.

"Wow," she exclaimed. "This is--this is--"

I fought back a smile, she liked it so much.

"I love it," as she said this she looked at me, tears brimming her eyes, looking as though she'd never been given anything more precious in her life.

It ignited something inside me and I was taken aback at how it made me feel. Like someone inside me had been sleeping for a very long time and had only woken up now. The world stopped turning and we were the center of the universe.

A realization hit me... _she_ was the center of the universe.

I suddenly felt afraid. Why? Why am I feeling this way? This was stupid... this was pointless... this was impossible. I am only allowed one change in my entire lifetime as a vampire. We are frozen and Alice was _my _change. Just as Esme was Carlisle's and Emmet was Rosalie's. I thought about Alice and how much I loved her, but this was different. I felt like I've always known it from the day I saw her at the old house. It wasn't because she understood me. It was... fate? I imagined Alice playing cupid wherever she was. And I remember what she said when we last talked. She must have known it was the last time she would be seeing me, but of course she didn't tell me anything. She must have struggled to keep me from sensing something that was bothering her. I haven't forgotten anything she ever said to me. Some of them were just too cryptic that it didn't seem to make any sense.

"You'll be happy, I know," Alice said out of the blue. There was something different about her smile.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her, smiling.

"I'll make sure of it, Jasper," she said, brushing her fingers along my cheek as though she didn't hear me.

"I love you," I said.

"And I love you," she smiled back.

Then she gave me a soft kiss. Our last one.

"Thank you, Jasper," Bella's voice woke me from my thoughts. "I'm speechless. The girl in the portrait doesn't look like me, though,"

"Why?" I frowned. I thought she liked it.

"Oh no, no, of course I like it, don't think for one second that I don't," she said quickly. Her eyes went back to the portrait once more, "It's just...she's a lot prettier than me,"

"I drew what I saw, Bella," I told her honestly.

Seriously, this girl needs to take a good look of herself on the mirror. She just smiled at me.

"Do you think Charlie's asleep?" I asked her, looking at the alarm clock on her bedside table. It was nearly eleven.

"I guess so," she said. "Why?"

"It's time to go," I replied.

"You know I'm guilty with breaking Charlie's rules, right?" she said with a grin.

"It's nearly time for your surprise," I said deviously. "Grab a pillow,"

"What?"

"Get a pillow," I said.

"What for?"

"Just get one, Bella,"

"Fine,"

"Now, hold on to me," I said, motioning her to get on my back.

"Why?"

"We're going out through the window, unless you prefer to jump out by yourself,"

"Fine," she said again.

She climbed on my back and I felt the heat from her body. It wasn't the most overwhelming thing of all though. I felt an electric shock from where her skin touched mine and again I tried to deny it from myself. It was utterly inappropriate for me to feel this way toward any human, let alone Bella Swan. She was Edward's and she loved him unconditionally. I can't help but be saddened at the thought. Edward loved her back and I was positive he'd come back one way or another.

I jumped as quiet as a cat and landed on both my feet on the grass. Her grip loosened and I let her down.

We were quiet and I led the way to the trail inside the forest.

"Jasper," I heard her say.

I looked behind my shoulder at her. "Hmm?"

"We're going inside the forest? At midnight?" her voice was unsure and I could feel the doubt she was feeling. Not fear. Just doubt.

"Yes, you're surprise awaits," I said with a smile. "Don't worry, you're safe with me,"

I held out my hand and she tentatively took it. Again, there was this surge of inexplicable _happy_ feeling that ran through my dead veins. What is this?

Apparently, I forgot that human eyes were weak, I was seeing everything perfectly, as though it was daylight but of course she couldn't. She couldn't probably see a thing. I fought back laughs as she cursed under her breath everytime she almost slipped and I would pull her upright.

"You okay?" I would ask every once in a while and of course she would say she was.

As much as possible, she doesn't want to show anyone her weakness. And I understood that completely. It surprised me how many things this human girl and I had in common. Even the way she would react to some things were similar with the way I do.

Guilt slowly swarmed through me as my thoughts drifted to Edward. He would react vehemently and would want to bring me down. I gritted my teeth. If it's a fight he wants then... then what? Would I fight my own _brother_, considering she was his in the first place? And why am I even considering these thoughts? I made it clear with Bella that I have to leave her someday. I am Alice's and I would sooner die than replace her. Yes. Alice.

Bella and I--we're just friends. She's supposedly my _sister-in-law _for heaven's sake. I mentally shook myself back to common sense.

I was surprised to see we were at the treehouse at last.

"Here?" Bella asked.

"Yes," I replied. "It's too dark for you to climb on your own. Climb on my back again,"

She did as I said and her warmth enveloped me again. I could feel her heart beating raggedly on my back. It seems to be this way whenever we touch, but then again, it just might be her irrational fear of speed. _She will forever be a mystery, _I thought with a frown. I climbed the treehouse with just a quick jump that didn't need much force. Bella's grip tightened and my heart involuntarily...soared.

I was just confused, I decided. I had better understanding on emotions and I'm sure that's what this is. What else could it be? I just miss Alice so much.

"Where's my surprise?" she asked me, expectant yet hesitant.

"I said it was _nearly _time for your surprise," I said with a grin, teasing her.

"What?" she exclaimed, annoyed yet smiling. "What are we doing here then?"

"Waiting," I replied. "That's what the pillow is for,"

"In case I fall asleep?" she said with an incredulous grin.

"Yes," I said proudly, "See, I can fully understand your human needs,"

She laughed and looked around in the dark. Only the pale moonlight served as our guide in the darkness.

"What's that?" she pointed at the other corner of the treehouse. There was a long stack of things neatly piled and carefully hidden with a black cloth.

"Something for your surprise," I said mysteriously and she walked forward to get them.

"Oh no you don't," I smirked, grabbing her hand.

"I hate surprises," she grumbled again.

I sat down and gently pulled her down next to me. It would be better if we wait here inside, I originally thought waiting on the roof, but I wasn't so sure if I could handle the breeze slapping her scent in my senses. I placed the pillow she brought on my lap.

"Lie down," I told her. "I'll wake you up when it's time,"

"You don't have to," she told me, "Maybe it's better if I sit on the other side. This room is too small,"

Ah, she was referring to her scent. How thoughtful of her.

"No, it's okay." I told her earnestly, trying to make her feel safe as I looked into her eyes. "I was the one who dragged you out here in the middle of the night,"

She wasn't thoroughly convinced but nevertheless, shyly, she slowly lowered her head onto her pillow. Minutes passed in silence and I practiced breathing evenly, something I do often when she wasn't looking. I tasted her scent on the back of my tongue and felt the burn in my throat but I ignored it. Bella was a delicate, beautiful creature. Nothing should ever harm her. Not while I'm around.

"Thank you," she said again and I could feel her sincere gratitude.

"It was just a drawing, Bella,"

"No," she said, not looking at me. "It's more to me. It's a reminder that I had you as a friend when I had none,"

I was touched by her words. Suddenly, I wanted to make a copy of that sketch to remind me of her in return.

"It's a reminder that you were really there," she said, then added in a forced lighter tone, "Once you leave,"

I didn't know how to respond to that so I remained quiet for a while. I could feel the sadness radiating from her suddenly. Still, I said nothing. I was not allowed to have more than friendly feelings towards Bella. I could not let myself hurt some more. She would never love me the way she loved Edward. Yes, she felt comfortable around me but I'm guessing it's more on brotherly affection. No, I shouldn't have to guess. It's probably that.

While I was arguing with myself I slowly felt Bella's breathing become even. She was sound asleep. The back of her head was facing me and her hair flowed on her back and onto my lap. Maybe I could...

I reached for her strands and buried my fingers in them. They were so soft and smelled incredibly good. Like strawberries. I dislike the taste but the smell was familiar and sweet to my senses. I lifted my fingers near my nose and closed my eyes as I inhaled the sweet, sweet scent. Then I stroked her hair some more. I didn't know how long I did that, stroking her hair as she slept on my lap but what seemed like hours later she moved and for a second I thought she woke up. But she just shifted her position and faced me, still fast asleep.

Her sleeping face was beyond words. I have watched her sleep many times before and I never get tired of looking at her face. She looked so peaceful when she dreamt of happy dreams. Like an angel. I touched her cheek gently and her lips turned up into a smile. I smiled in awe. I stroked her cheek, revelling in the softness of her skin. And all of a sudden, I wasn't so sad. Being with this human girl has taught me so much and she makes things brighter for me even though she's in the dark herself.

Hours passed and still I sat there, mesmerized, watching Isabella Swan sleep on my lap. Slowly, the sky's blackness lightened into dark blue and for a while, there were stars. I knew then that it was time to wake her up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Authoress's Note: **Okay. Somebody requested for a Jasper POV so there it is. I can't wait to know what you guys think. Go easy on me! :) REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!! I'm dying here! By the way **Jasper's drawing of Bella can be found on my profile**. The drawing isn't mine. I found it randomly on a site. I just added the signature on the bottom. If somebody could tell me who the artist is, please do so I could give him/her credit. :)

THE SONG IS ON MY PROFILE. Links unfortunately do not work here on published stories, I regret to say.

Somebody tell me _immediately _if the links aren't working. By clicking on the song, you'd have access to the official playlist as well.

I also found a new Jasper. His name is Jeremy Dufour and he's a French model. When I saw him I just _knew_. It felt like I imprinted or something. More on my profile.

Again, please tell me what you think about this chapter. And share your thoughts on the sketch.


	15. Chapter 15

_"But you've come this far with a broken heart,_

_Yeah you've come this far,_

_And you're broken."_

_Light Up the Sky - Yellowcard_

**-----**

**XIV. LIGHTS**

**-----**

"Wake up, Bella, quick,"

I stirred and reached for my blanket. It was so cold tonight, hmm... where is it? I half-opened my eyes, Jasper's face loomed in the dark and he was prodding me awake.

"Where--? Oh!" I sat up quickly and rubbed my shoulders. I wasn't wearing a jacket tonight. "What time is it?"

I turned to look at him and saw him taking his sweater off. He was wearing a white T-shirt underneath and he handed me the sweater. I said thank you and quickly put it on, I was already shivering. His smell was intoxicating. I couldn't help but get more than the necessary whiff of his minty, sweet masculine smell.

"I'm sorry," he said with a saddened look, "I forgot,"

"It's okay," I assured him, he was making such an effort to take care of me already. "I forgot about it too,"

"Time for your surprise," he said and both excitement and dread crept through my heart. He took the pile of things in the far end of the room but still kept it carefully hidden with the black cloth. "Come,"

He opened the trapdoor on the roof and climbed up. He held out his hand to assist me. Once on the roof, the cold morning breeze ran through my hair and Jasper stood up, balancing effortlessly. He took something out of his pocket. I knew he was a vampire and all, but I couldn't help but feel nervous as he smoothly walked on the roof more or less twenty feet above the ground. He pulled the cloth off the pile and I saw that they were an assortment of fireworks.

Before I knew what was happening, Jasper grinned at me.

"Ready?" he asked and without waiting for a reply he lighted one up. It shot through the sky and with a spurt of bright color, pixie dust seemed to shower from the sky. With his speed, he lighted more and dahlias and chrysanthemum fireworks fired in the dark-blue sky. Brocades and crossetes and peonies followed next and I was dazzled. Jasper sat next to me and handed me a glittering sparkler similar to the one he was holding himself.

"Someone once told me that angels turn to look towards heaven during dawn to welcome the new day." he told me, looking at the suddenly bright sky. "If at this time you light fireworks, you'll get their attention and your wishes will be easily granted. Haven't you heard of it?"

I shook my head, still appalled to speak. Jasper just grinned at me, then bowed his head and closed his eyes. I did the same and sent a wish to the angels.

_Bring Edward back to me._

When I opened my eyes, the sky was void of fireworks and the sky was slowly turning pink. We watched the sparklers in our hands die out and I felt myself becoming hopeful again. Jasper always finds ways to cheer me up. Here he is, trying to get my deepest wishes granted. What would I do with myself when he goes away? I forced the thought away from my mind. I should cherish Jasper's presence while he's still here. I should live in the present and not think about the future too much.

"Did you like it?" he asked me, sounding hopeful.

"I love it," I told him. "I really, really do. Thank you,"

He grinned. "We should head back now, Charlie might be waking up,"

For the tiniest part of a second I felt confused. Oh, right. There's a world around us.

"Yeah, sure," I said, sliding back inside the trapdoor and into the treehouse.

"Do you mind if I carry you back? It would save us an awful lot of time," he asked me as he too, slid back inside.

"Um," I replied anxiously. I didn't really enjoy these speedy rides. "I guess I'll close my eyes?"

He laughed. "Come on,"

We got back to my room in a blur and in a matter of seconds.

"Go eat breakfast," he told me, "I'll be here when you get back,"

I fixed Charlie's breakfast, some pancakes, and made his coffee.

"'Morning, Bells," Charlie grumbled as he came in, still in his bathrobe with the morning paper under one arm.

"'Morning Dad," I said, sitting down.

Mornings weren't the best time for Charlie, so I knew it would be a quiet affair. It gave me the silence I wanted to think about things. I would be back in school in two days after being absent for three weeks. I'm already expecting the whispers and the point-blank stares--Forks was a small town. Everybody knows everything about each other. I disappeared right after the Cullens did so the reason behind my sudden absence was dead obvious. They probably thought I was pregnant, or something. I was disgusted by the thought.

"Back to school in a couple of days," Charlie said from behind his paper, echoing my thoughts.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about it," I replied quietly.

"Bella," he said with a sigh, folding his paper and setting it down, "I know you're worried about going back there,"

"I'm not," I lied. It totally slipped my mind how bad a liar I was, but Charlie ignored me anyway.

"Maybe you want to go to Phoenix for a while, and stay with Renee," he said and I opened my mouth to protest but he held out a hand to stop me. "Maybe it would be better for you there, without all these...reminders of him. Think about it,"

"No," I said, my voice harsher than I intended. "That's just running away from it, Dad, it wouldn't do me any good,"

And this was where Jasper is. I couldn't be without him, not yet. He's holding my sanity in his fingers, and I'm trying my best to keep myself hanging on to him. He's the only remedy I need. He'll help me be better soon. He promised.

We didn't say anything else as we finished eating. I washed the dishes in silence, and he went back to his paper, eyebrows together.

I went back upstairs in a dash my sense of equilibrium could manage, skipping a few steps to go faster.

"Jasper," I breathed as I opened the door. He sat there, as he said, reading one of my books. He looked up and gave me a gentle grin.

I sat on my bed and stared at the rainy window, absentmindedly counting the raindrops that hit it.

"He's really worried about you, you know," Jasper told me, his tone careful.

I didn't say anything.

"He's more attentive than you give him credit for, he can see you're anxious about going back,"

"I'm not," I said, but as if to contradict me, I felt my stomach churn unpleasantly.

He caught my eye and stared me down.

"If going to Phoenix would be best," he said softly, "Maybe you _should _go,"

"No," I said, looking back in defiance, "I belong here now,"

"I know you're waiting for him," he said, "But he'd know where to find you. It wouldn't hurt to patch yourself up in the process,"

"I'm _not _going," Edward wasn't the only reason, though he was the bigger part of it. I was afraid to tell Jasper that I'm growing dependent on him. That I was drawn to his presence. I need him to keep me intact, because I'd be in pieces without him.

The weight of Edward's absence trampled me again. I missed him so much it hurt so bad. The hope that ballooned in my chest this morning popped and I was left with the hole where Edward had once been. Leaving would be admitting defeat. He'd know where to find me, but he'd think I gave up. I have not given up on him. He's still the one who owns my heart.

Tears burned in my eyes, try as I may to stop them. _Don't fall, don't fall, don't fall. _

Of course they fell.

Jasper wordlessly stood from the armchair and sat next to me. I looked down, letting my hair shade my face from his eyes. His hand gently reached out to touch my face and I thought at first he was going to wipe my tears away, but he didn't. He every so carefully tilted my head to the side so it rested on his shoulder.

Night soon covered the sun without so much happening in between. Jasper and I read books, and talked about random things, not again mentioning Phoenix or Edward.

"Bella," he said as I dipped under the covers.

"Yes?"

"I want you to know," he told me, his eyes smoldering in liquid gold, "that I cherish every moment I spend with you,"

"So do I," I said, wondering where all these was coming from.

"And that I'll forever be thankful because you've helped me in more ways I could ever give back to you,"

"What?" I said, surprised, "_You've _helped me, I didn't do anything. I'm the one who should be thankful,"

He shook his head slowly, his smile was different.

"Go to sleep," he said softly.

I suddenly felt very comfortable and my eyelids grew heavy.

"No...fair," I mumbled, but he just smiled at me. I closed my eyes.

I felt something cold touch my forehead gently, and it lingered there for a while. I recognized the gesture at once. This was how it felt when Edward kissed me on my forehead. And as if supporting this conclusion, I had a dream that he was here beside me. I could see his face so clearly that it seemed so real. It was just like the old days, when he would lie down beside me, I could feel his cold body next to mine, holding me. I snuggled closer.

"Edward," I whispered.

_You're making a choice to live like this,_

_And all of the noise,_

_I am silence._

We already know how it ends tonight,

You run in the dark through a firefight.

_And I would explode just to save your life,_

_Yeah I would explode._

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you.

_Let me tell you why,_

_I would die for you._

_Let me light up the sky._

I can't find a wall to pin this to,

They're all coming down since I've found you.

_I just wanna be where you are tonight._

_I run in the dark looking for some light,_

_**And how will we know if we just don't try?**_

_**We won't ever know.**_

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you.

_Let me tell you why,_

_I would die for you._

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you.

_Let me make this mine,_

_I'll ignite for you._

_Let me light up the sky,_

_Just for you tonight._

_Let me help you fly,_

Cause you won't have time.

To cover your eyes,

Get your disguise,

They won't ask you why,

They just watch you die.

_And it's still so hard to be who you are,_

_So you play this part,_

_And the show goes on._

_**But you've come this far with a broken heart,**_

_**Yeah you've come this far,**_

_**And you're broken.**_

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you.

Let me tell you why,

I would die for you.

Let me light up the sky,

(Let me light up the sky)

Light it up for you.

(Light it up fot you)

_Let me make this mine,_

(Let me make this mine)

_I'll ignite for you,_

(I'll ignite for you)

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you.

Let me tell you why,

I would die for you.

And it's still so hard to be who you are,

But you've come this far with a broken heart.

And it's still so hard to be who you are,

But you've come this far and you're broken...

Let me light up the sky,

Let me light up the sky.

-----------------------------

**Authoress's Note: **Sorry for the late update. Here you go! Bella's surprise! Review, pretty please? I'll send Jasper to you in his boxers if you give me one. :D

Photos of the fireworks Jasper used is on my profile.


	16. Chapter 16

**-----**

**XV. WITHOUT**

**-----**

Another morning came, it was a rainy Saturday. I had a pleasant dream and I was smiling when I woke up. I turned to look at the armchair where Jasper usually sat, but he wasn't there. My initial thought was that he went hunting. I saw instead the drawing he made for me inside a magnificent frame, and an envelope beside it.

I stood up carefully, picking up the letter, my heart beginning to beat faster. Something didn't feel right. Written on the back of the envelope was my name in Jasper's unique handwriting.

Bella

It simply said. I realized my hands were shaking, I had a clue about what might be going on, but it was totally absurd. Jasper never breaks his promises. I opened the envelope, my hands were beginning to feel numb.

As I told you before, Bella, I have to leave you when the time comes. There are things you need to cope on your own, to make you stronger. You are a strong person, Bella, I am a witness to that. You just have to believe in yourself. Weakness is not something to be embarassed about, but it needs to be mastered. Waiting until you are healed may not be the best idea. Healing is a process, you have to learn to accept certain things. Only then, no matter how long I wait with you, will you resurface. You have to understand that healing begins with yourself, you do not need anybody else. Have faith in yourself, Bella.

Jasper

Jasper left.

**

I didn't get up from my bed all day. I felt so broken. He _promised _me he would wait until I was healed. Maybe he realized what I had feared. That I was growing dependent on him, and he didn't want any of it. I remembered what he said the previous night, he was telling me goodbye. A small voice inside my head said that maybe I should consider going to Phoenix. Maybe being away from everything _would_ help. I tried doing other things, what I did before when Edward left, busied my brain, distracted myself, but none of it worked. The hole was just too big now to cover up.

I eventually got up to fix Charlie's dinner. He didn't have to see me back to square one. Jasper said he was more observant than I knew, so I made an effort to put on a show. I focused on that, though it was hard.

"Bella," Charlie said as I ate little by little, forcing everything down my throat for Charlie's satisfaction.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Of course," I tried to smile, my lips twitched but the action felt wrong. I wished on every deity out there that he didn't notice, but I guess he would have to be daft not to do so.

"Have you thought about my offer?" he asked.

"Yes," I admitted and he seemed relieved.

"So?"

"I'm still thinking about it," I said, not meeting his eyes.

Sunday passed by without anything special. I lied on my bed, trying desperately to tune everything out and keep my head blank. The hurt ate me away ravenously, until I would notice sobs coming from my throat. I waited for sleep to claim me, in desperate hope to get out of everything even for a few hours, wishing that I would have a dreamless rest. I got up only to calm my protesting stomach, even though nothing tasted right. I spent all day looking at the hands of my alarm clock, watching time pass me by.

Tick tock, tick tock.

Has time ever passed this slowly? I could have sworn it stopped working.

I opened my eyes early on Monday morning. I didn't even set my alarm the previous night. I took a long shower, trying to practice my breathing while I'm at it. I was nervous about going back, my hands were shaking slightly to prove it. I brushed my hair in front of the mirror, suddenly aware of the circles beneath my eyes. I didn't really care. I also noticed how there seemed to be something wrong with my eyes. They seemed... off. Like I was looking in a different person's orbs. Then it suddenly hit me, they were so... blank. I frowned at the thought, but again, I didn't care.

I went down after making sure that my things were complete and headed to the kitchen. Charlie was there, to my surprise and by the looks of it, he was just as anxious as I am. In front of him was a bowl of cereal, _my_ cereal and a mug of hot milk chocolate. Charlie fixed me breakfast. Charlie. I didn't want to look all red and swollen on my first day back so I didn't look at him much.

"Wow, Dad," I croaked. "This is... thanks,"

Charlie cleared his throat, "It's nothing,"

"No, it's just what I needed," I looked up at him, sure now that I wouldn't cry. I gave him a smile. And it was real this time. He looked slightly mollified, and I was slightly comforted.

I finished my breakfast in silence, but it wasn't awkward as most mornings would go. It was comfortable, a hopeful aura lingered around. Charlie gave me a tight hug before I walked out the door. "You're gonna be fine," he said.

I sure hope so.

I drove my way to school getting more and more anxious by the minute. For a fleeting second, I almost turned my chevy around. I pulled over the parking lot, trying to avoid eyes. I pulled my hood up and jammed earphones into my ears as I walked.

Government was my first class, and I proceeded to it, aware of the whispers and open stares. I felt like a caged animal in a zoo.I went inside the classrooom and sat on the farthest seat in the back nearest to the windows. Class hasn't started yet and aside from me there were only two people in the room. I watched the rain falling on the windowpanes, willing time to go faster. Suddenly, someone kneeled in front of my seat, putting their face in level with mine. It was Mike Newton.

"Bella," he said in disbelief.

"Hey," I said lifelessly. I tried.

He looked straight into my eyes as though he was trying to read what was in my head. Huh. Mind reading. I shook the thought away before it went farther.

"I missed you," he said.

I didn't say anything, I just kept on looking at him until I realized he was waiting for me to say it back.

"Er... me too," I said, twitching my lips to what I hoped would be a grin.

"I heard what happened," he said in a low voice only I could hear. "But I guess you probably don't want to talk about it,"

"Yeah, I don't," I said a bit coldly, looking at the window again.

"And I don't want to hear it," he said smiling at me, "I'm just glad you're back,"

He squeezed my hand before he left. It was pleasantly warm, unlike the cool touches I was used to. I have to admit, for someone so exhausted from vampire drama, that this was a nice change even for a while.

Mike sat next to me during lunch, so did Angela Weber and Ben Cheney. Angela confided that she missed me so much.

"How have you been Bella?" Angela asked me softly when Ben and Mike stood up to get us some desserts. She sounded so worried, maternal even that I knew she deserved some form of honest answer.

"It's been...rough, but I'll live," I looked into her eyes, surprised to see them welling up with tears.

"Oh Bella," she said giving me a quick but tight hug. "What you must have gone through! I thought you were so meant for each other,"

"I thought so too," I said, looking away.

"It bothered me when you didn't go to school, I went to your house a few times two weeks ago but no one was always home,"

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling guilty. "I had stuff I needed to do,"

"It's okay," she said smiling, she took my hand, "What's important is you're back now, and you're trying to go back to your life. You're such a strong person, Bella, some people never bounce back from the pain,"

"I'm still a work in progress," I mumbled but she shook her head.

"We'll help," she said earnestly. How I love this girl.

We smiled at each other and I felt Mike sitting on my other side.

"Hey Bella," he said, his voice soft. "Why don't you go out with us this afternoon? We're going to the beach,"

"It's raining," I pointed out.

"So?" he smiled wider.

I thought about it for a minute. What do I choose between an afternoon with old friends and an empty bed?

"I'm in," I said, smiling slightly back at him.

-----------------------------------

I'm so, so sorry for the super duper late update. Lots of stuff came up, college and new people and professors to impress. I'm still slightly overwhelmed by it all. Tell me what y'all think!!!


	17. Chapter 17

**-----**

**XVI. BEACH**

**-----**

After leaving Charlie a note about where I was headed, I jumped on my chevy and reared it to life. Anything to keep my mind off supernatural beings even for a while was greatly appreciated. I met up with the guys down at the La Push beach and they were thrilled that I actually came.

"Bella!" Mike's face lit up like it was Christmas morning.

"Hey," I said, forcing an enthusiastic tone.

"I'm so glad you made it, Bella," Angela said, her eyes sparkling.

"Yeah! So you'd witness in the greatest water battle in the world!" Ben said brightly, suddenly spraying water all over Angela's shirt with a water gun. I envied her laugh.

There were only four of us there, I didn't count on that. It felt like a double-date and I frowned slightly at Angela when Mike wasn't looking.

"No, this isn't what it looks like," she told me in a low voice. "Mike just wanted you to feel better, I've already talked to him about the stuff he can't and can do, don't worry,"

"That's nice of him," I said sincerely. I've never seen Mike as anything other than an unwanted suitor, but I suddenly realized that in the right world--the one where vampires and other supernatural creatures didn't exist--it would have been probably him and I.

Angela and Ben ran to the waves, water guns in tow as the rain softly washed them. They didn't go too far though, just knee-deep. I watched them without smiling, it hurt to see other couples happy. I looked away and saw Mike standing next to me.

"They're so happy, aren't they?" he said to me as he, too, watched Ben and Angela.

"It's not going to last," I muttered darkly, too low for him to hear.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"Nothing," I mumbled.

I am happy for Angela though, of course I am. Every girl deserves to be loved. But still, I couldn't help but think that I used to feel those exact feelings once upon a time. I sighed.

"Sit," Mike's voice echoed in my faraway thoughts.

I looked next to me where he was just standing a while ago and noticed that he sat down. His legs were stretched out and his feet met the soft waves as they crash on the shore. His hands supported his weight behind his back and I sat down next to him. Good thing I wore flipflops. I took them off and copied his position.

"I know you don't want to talk about him, Bella,"

Which of the two?

"But you have _got _to get up," he said, "I'm not offering something cheesy like my heart or my life," he rolled his eyes. "I'm offering you my friendship. Nothing more, nothing less,"

I smiled up at him, "Thanks, really," I said.

"And if you need anything, anything at all, just tell me, okay?"

"Okay," I said, looking away. I doubt he has what I need, but I still appreciated his effort. I suddenly felt bad for the way I treated Mike in the past. When Edward entered my life, I just pushed everyone away and I didn't even know I was doing it.

Suddenly, Mike stood up and took my hand in his, pulling me to the water. It was cold but it wasn't very unpleasant either, maybe because I'm used to the low temperature? He laughed and I was aware again how warm his hands were.

Angela splashed water on my back then hugged me from behind, laughing. She used me as a shield while Ben endlessly fired his water gun at her. Before I knew it, I was laughing along. It was getting dark when the four of us went back to our cars, wet and slightly shivering but laughing hard anyway.

We all decided to park some feet away from each other and get dressed in our own cars (Ben let Angela change in his first). I tied my hair up in a wet, untidy ponytail and reached for the bag I had with me. With huge difficulty, I manage to strangle myself out of my wet clothes and into the dry jeans and shirt. Afterwards, I drove back the few feet that separates me from Mike's car. He was sitting with a huge, thick sweater in his arms. His face lit up when he saw me.

"Typical, Bella. You didn't bring anything warm," he smiled, reaching for me and putting the sweater on my shoulders.

I smiled my thank you up at him.

"Maybe we should head back," Angela said as she walked towards us, pulling her wet hair in a ponytail, too.

"Yeah," I agreed. It was getting dark and I knew Charlie would worry.

"Let's just wait a few minutes for Ben," Angela said, a bit apologetically.

"Sure," I smiled at her.

My smiles were becoming more and more frequent, I noticed. It's such a mystery to me how a single afternoon with Mike, of all people, could make me feel better. Maybe it's the company of someone who I know isn't better than me a hundred times over. Who doesn't make me feel like I'm a damsel in distress all the time, who doesn't make me wonder if they would be in it for the long haul because it isn't complicated. Mike is so...normal it almost seems _abnormal_ because I've been so used to living in a world where vampires are real. Mike, Angela and Ben are like huge breaths of fresh air after everything that's happened.

"Ben are you ready?" Angela called.

"Yep," he replied, he approached us then. "Sorry for making you wait, guys,"

"Nah, it's cool," Mike grinned. "Let's go, then,"

"Bella's dad probably has the whole police station looking for her now," Angela said with a giggle.

"Ha ha," I said, rolling my eyes then smiling. "He knows where I am,"

"You going back with Ben, Ange?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, he's dropping me off at home,"

"Okay, you head straight home, 'kay, Bella?" Mike said, patting me slightly on the shoulder. "Or Chief Swan'll be after my neck,"

I laughed, "Of course, where else would I go?"

_The treehouse?_

My smile vanished. Wrong thought. Stupid brain.

"Um," I said, turning around to walk back to my Chevy. "Gotta go, see you tomorrow you guys,"

I could tell they were surprised by my sudden actions but knew better than to ask.

"Y-yeah, sure, Bella," I heard Angela say. "Drive safe,"

"See you," said Ben.

"I'll call you," it was Mike.

I drove back home, thinking hard about my day and how fun it had been. I didn't want to spoil it. I was finally a few baby steps into recovering and I don't want to go back now.

----------------------------------------

Authoress's note:

FAQ: Are we going to see Jasper again?

I can't answer that because I don't want to spoil the story for you. His reasons for leaving will further be justified once the time is right. But yeah, I do see him. He's lounging on my bed right now.

Mike, anyone? What do you all think?


	18. Chapter 18

**-----**

**XVII. RAIN**

**-----**

"...the most basic techniques of molecular biology to study protein function is expression cloning. In this technique, DNA coding for a protein of interest is cloned into a plasmid. This plasmid may have special promoter elements to drive production of the protein of interest, and may also have antibiotic resistance markers to help follow the plasmid...."

Mr. Banner droned on and on about molecular biology. It was one of the rare sunny days and Biology happened to be the last period. Almost everyone in the room was falling asleep. Mike, my new lab partner, kept on checking my watch every two seconds and at one point even asked if it was broken. Time was tediously slow.

Mike tried to entertain me (or himself, rather) by asking me to play hangman, but I nudged him in the ribs, I had to catch up.

"Oh come on," Mike told me, "How far behind can you be? You had AP classes in Phoenix, right?"

"Still," I said. "I have to brush up on my Biology,"

"God forbid you get a B," Mike said smiling. I grinned at him, it was true I got straight A's, but it wasn't something I should brag about.

"You're helping me with Calculus, right?" I asked him. He always stayed an hour after school to help me with the essays, homeworks and other stuff I missed.

"Of course," he said.

It's been two weeks since I got back. Mike had been my constant companion, since Angela and Ben are a couple and even though they wouldn't say it, there were times when they should be left alone. I really didn't want to be around them too much when they're all lovey-dovey. It hurt to watch.

Mike stayed true to his word. He didn't dare go beyond my comfort zone and was always a helping hand. He's becoming dear to me. He hung back an hour after classes, sometimes he says it's okay to extend but I always say no, to help me catch up. He was so nice.

Class was finally over and I stayed on my seat, bringing out my Calculus textbook. Mike was looking out the window.

"It's such a nice day," he said.

"If you wanna go ahead, it's okay," I assured him with a smile.

"No, that wasn't what I meant," he said, shaking his head. "We should study someplace else,"

"Hmm?" I said, considering it for a moment. "Where?"

"My place?" he said. "We have a nice balcony we rarely use,"

"Yeah?" I said. "Um, sure let's go,"

He grabbed my books and we went to the parking lot. We each got into our cars and I drove, following him to the other side of Forks I haven't been to yet.

Mike's house is nice and I'm probably the only girl in our year who hasn't been here yet. He's very friendly and people always greeted him when we walked to class. Mike was the typical Mr. Popular of Forks High, since Edward and the others (gorgeous though as they may) are snobby and opted to reserve to themselves. With great popularity comes great power but he wasn't an ass. He was always smiling and being nice to everyone. I wish I could be like him.

"Mom!" Mike hollered when we entered the living room.

"I'm in the kitchen," came a female voice from across the house.

"Hi, Mrs. Newton!" I called.

"Bella's here," Mike said loudly.

"Oh, you kids go upstairs I'm gonna bring you something to eat,"

Mike grinned at me, "Come on,"

I followed him upstairs and into this set of French doors leading to the balcony. He was right, it was a glorious day and I've forgotten what it was like to be in the heat.

"Thanks for bringing me here," I told him, "I've almost forgotten what sunlight felt like,"

He laughed and beckoned me to sit on the chairs and tables set with him so I did. He never probed. We talk about stuff sometimes but I always draw the line and he never complained. He always waited until I say more. He opened my Calculus book and started pointing out the lessons they've already tackled in class. Hours later, Mrs. Newton came in bringing snacks.

"Chocochip cookies and Coke?" I asked Mike with a bewildered smile.

"Yep, they're my favorite. Always had them since I was young," Mike said with another grin. He turned to his mother, "Thanks, Mom,"

"I hope you come back soon, Bella," Mrs. Newton said. I said my thanks and she left us to ourselves.

"This had been really fun," I said.

"Yeah, we should study here everyday instead."

"Everyday?" I asked him. "I'm already catching up, you don't have to give up all your afternoons just for me. I'd be back on my feet by the end of this week,"

"What? No!" he said, "Come off it, I get to study too. My grades have improved a lot since we started these study sessions. I say we keep it... only if you want to, I mean,"

I shrugged. He was so nice, how could I refuse? "Yeah, I do. If it isn't such a bother to you. You probably don't know it, but you're kind of popular at school,"

He laughed. "It doesn't matter. I have to get into a good college anyway,"

He took a cookie, dipped it in Coke and offered it to me. I took a bite. He was right--it wasn't bad.

That started our new routine of going to his house after classes and doing homework together. It went on for the rest of the week and Charlie even encouraged me to go out with him. Mike and I don't work that way. He was a friend. And I was sure he knew it, too. I was getting very accustomed to going to his house, seeing as I always spent my afternoons--sometimes dinner there.

Two weeks later, it was raining cats and dogs and I just want to go home and curl up in bed. I confided this to Mike during English, the last period, who seemed queasy for some reason. I figured he didn't feel well.

"Maybe we should cut our study session for today," I said. "I want to rest and you don't look so good."

"What?" his voice was a tad bit higher, "No, I'm good. We should study, we have a quiz in Government,"

"But we already prepared for that,"

"No! Let's study," he persisted.

"Okay," I finally agreed, shrugging.

The rain fell in thick, heavy drollops as we walked to our cars. It was beginning to look bad, even for Forks. A storm must be coming but I didn't think much of it, wanting to get the study session to be over with. Fierce wind blew and lightning flashed in the distance.

"Are you sure?" I asked him as we got to our cars, "The rain's getting worse,"

"Yeah," Mike said, "It's okay. It's just rain, it'll probably be over by the time we're done,"

"I doubt it, I think it's a storm,"

Mike turned around to me, umbrella in one hand, car door latch in the other. There was something wrong with his face, like he didn't get enough sleep and looked tired.

"Bella, if you want to go home, just go," his voice was hard and I was caught offguard. He never used that tone with me.

"No," I finally said, "It's okay. Let's go,"

I remembered that Mike was really doing this for me And that he has done so much, for someone I used to treat badly before. I felt like I owe him somehow and he's been doing really well, respecting me and knowing his limitations. If spending time with him was what I could do to repay him for everything he's done, then I'd give it to him wholeheartedly.

We parked in front of his house, as usual, I pulled my hood up before running in front of Mike's front door. The rain was getting so bad, I still got wet despite my efforts. Mike appeared next to me and he wordlessly opened the front door to let me in.

"I'd give you something to change in," Mike said, not meeting my eyes. "My mom probably has a shirt somewhere that should fit,"

"Thanks," I said, still wondering whether I should worry about him.

I stood there for a while in the living room, wet and slightly dripping. He got back a few moments later and pointed upstairs.

"Change in my room," he said, "It's the closest. Left door upstairs,"

I nodded and smiled at him, trying to lighten the somewhat tense mood. I went to the nearest room as he said, and opened it. Mike's room was very neat, with a huge bed in the middle. Gray paint and lots of framed pictures littered the walls. I changed into the simple white tee he gave me and found it fit quite snugly than what I was used to. It probably belonged to Mrs. Newton when she was younger, she's a bit petite.

Right after I got the shirt on, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and Mike went in, my books in one of his arms and a black mug on the other.

"I made you a cup of hot chocolate," he said giving me a strained smile. "You're right, I'm not feeling well. Maybe we should study here in my room instead,"

"Is your mom home?" I asked, taking the mug from his hands and bringing it close to my mouth.

"Um, yeah she's in the kitchen," Mike said. I placed the mug down.

"Maybe I should thank her first," I said.

"No!" Mike said quickly. "I already told her you said thanks, just drink that. It'll warm you right up,"

I brought the cup to my lips, then suddenly... something hard slapped the cup away from my hands, letting it hit the floor and the next thing I knew, Mike was pinned up on the wall. The blonde head holding him up was unmistakable.

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AN: GASP!!!!! I can't wait to hear what you think!

Remember: good things come to those who wait.

Jasper's on my bed (again). He says he loves my story. Don't you? *wink!*


	19. Chapter 19

**-----**

**XVIII. REVELATION**

**-----**

"Jasper! Put him down!!!" I exclaimed immediately. My heart was beating faster and faster in my chest, hammering against my ribcage. Adrenaline pumped through me along with worry, shock, anger and a lot more emotions that I knew Jasper was filtering through right now.

"He tried to drug you, Bella," Jasper's menacing voice was barely a whisper across the room. He was so angry he could barely speak.

"What?" I said in disbelief. "Let go of him, right now!"

I tried pulling him away, grabbing his arm that held Mike on the wall by his throat. I knew it wouldn't do anything but I wanted him away from Mike immediately. He let go of Mike with a force that left the poor guy on his knees, choking and gasping for air. I bent down to help him up but Jasper grabbed me and made me stand behind him. Then he grabbed Mike's collar and pulled him up, lifting him in the air.

"Newton, if you ever as much as look her way again, I'm going to kill you. Got that?" he was seething with anger and for once it broke through the pretentions. He definitely looked like a vampire who was ready to kill. He dropped Jasper roughly on the floor.

Before I could say anything, Jasper grabbed my hand and strode out of the room, slamming the door shut behind us. With the door closed, he suddenly lifted me on his back and with lightning speed ran out of the house.

"What the hell?!" I protested, but his hold was hard and I'd probably break my bones if I tried wriggling free. I bit my tongue to prevent myself from shouting at him and closed my eyes through the ride.

It must have been, what, ten seconds when we finally halted in place and I opened my eyes. I readjusted to the darkness, the only light was coming from the occasional lightning outside in the storm. I was drenched from the rain, and so was Jasper. He was breathing hard with his eyes closed.

"What the hell was that?!" I demanded angrily. "You can't just come barging in other people's houses and put your fist around someone's throat!"

"Didn't you hear me? He tried to drug that drink he gave you!" his voice was impatient and it only irked me off more.

"Mike would never do that to me! He wasn't feeling well all day and look what you did to him!" I turned my back on him. The overwhelming emotions were taking over me again, the hurt, the anger, the confusion...

"I could feel it! I could feel his lust. He was going to--"

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" tears were coming now, as much as I hated crying. "You deserted me, Jasper. Mike was the only one I had left."

"He was going to--"

"What if I wanted him to?!" I raged, turning back around to meet his eyes. "Yes, if he spiked the drink it was wrong but if he was going to kiss me and touch me who are you to say I wouldn't want him to?"

"You don't mean that," his eyes bore into mine, hurt and reproachful.

Of course I didn't.

"Why won't all of you just leave me alone?!" I cried, "I'm so tired... so, so tired. I'm moving on, like you wanted me to. Why the hell can't you just stay out of my life?!" I demanded from him, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. He clenched his fists and looked at me angrily.

"Do you think I want this, Bella?" he scoffed. "Do you think I like not being able to stay away from you? Because I sure don't know what to do. I'm just as confused as you are!"

"What the hell are you saying? You left me!" I yelled, "You're not making any sense!"

"I'm only allowed one change in my immortal life, Bella. That was the rule. And that was Alice. But you came into the picture and messed everything up! I didn't want this, any of it. But I couldn't stop myself. I made you assume I left because I knew spending more time with you would do more damage to me than good. Yes, call me selfish but I can't risk myself again. It would only be unfair to us both."

His words weren't making any sense. What was he trying to say? What did I have to do with anything? Does he...? No. He _can't_.

"Made me assume you left?" I repeated.

"I didn't leave, Bella. I was there, I've always been there..."

"I don't...understand..."

He let out a sigh of exasperation and placed both of his hands on my shoulders, squeezing them lightly, wanting to show me reason.

"I fucking love you, Bella. I'm fucking in love with you. And I can't let myself fall because you love Edward and he loves you back! I can't do that to myself, I can't! That is worse than death. I told you I left you because if I didn't keep myself away from you I'd fall harder and it would be too late for me to go back."

Lightning flashed outside again and I realized where we were. We were at the empty Cullen house and another lightning flash revealed that the walls were lined with charcoal drawings. I gasped aloud when I saw that they were all portraits of me. Sleeping, smiling, reading, just looking out the window... some of them were littered on the floor, some of them around us, blown by the harsh wind. We were standing exactly where Edward's piano used to be...

I realized I couldn't do this. I didn't want more vampire drama into my life. I loved Edward. My heart would forever beat his name and if I couldn't have him, I knew I wouldn't have anyone else. I walked past him and walked into the rain.

"Bella, what are you doing? Come back here!"

I didn't turn to look, I kept on walking. I wanted to go home.

"Bella," he called me again, his voice was closer. I felt his icy touch on my elbow, holding me still.

I turned to look at him, drenched in the rain, his eyes smoldering with the depth of his secret emotions, his hair plastered on his face, his full lips turned down into a grimace of pain.

"Go away, Jasper. I never want to see you again,"

He looked at me long and hard. I kept my face expressionless but I met his gaze defiantly.

"If that's what you want," he finally said, his voice and eyes suddenly guarded. "Just let me take you home,"

Without asking for my approval, he lifted me on his back again and seconds later when I opened my eyes, we were in front of my house.

"This will be the last time you'll see me," he said. How familiar the words were.

He looked into my eyes, his orbs burning in liquid gold again. I was still processing everything. I was in shock, I was angry, I was confused, I was sad... I was just suddenly so tired and I don't want anything more than to sleep and wish I'd dreamed of everything. It was all messed up.

Without warning, he took me in his arms and crashed his lips on mine.

And then... everything drifted away.

I felt his tongue gently slide through my lips and I eagerly opened for him, wrapping my arms around his neck. The kiss was intense, fire and ice molded into one. He pressed our bodies closer together, a sigh vibrating between our mouths but I didn't know whose it was. I was so lost in everything Jasper. His smell, his taste, the way his body felt against mine. One of his hands were on my back, pulling me to him, the other was stroking my cheek. Around us the fierce wind blew and the rain fell heavily but I didn't feel the cold. I felt nothing but warmth. How could something so wrong feel so right?

A clap of thunder boomed and I immediately let go, as if waking up from a trance.

"I love Edward," I whispered, taking a step back. Without looking at him again, I ran inside the house.

------------------------------------------------

_Talk to me_

_I'm throwing myself in front of you_

_This could be the last mistake that I would ever want to do_

_All I ever do is give_

_It's time you see my point of view_

_Just as soon as I see you_

_Didn't I, didn't I tell you_

_As deep as I need you_

_You want to leave it all_

Another Heart Calls - The All-American Rejects

------------------------------------------------

_It's easier to get away_

_When on the other hand_

_You know I'm not much better without you_

_I'm like your victim and all that you need is an alibi_

_It's one thing about you_

_I don't wanna make you cry_

_Damn, girl_

_Dry your eyes_

_You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside_

_No girl, you can't see_

_When he's inside, you know there's no room for me_

Damn Girl - The All-American Rejects

------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note: **

This chapter wasn't supposed to come yet, but I was so excited, LOL! I was supposed to have Mike's plan on this chapter and make it more graphic. But I decided against it. After all, you're all excited for some Jasper lovin'! And I'm just as excited as you are! And after all, 19 is my favorite number, so there you go. :)) I love your feedback so much! I only waited 'til I reached 400 reviews before posting this one. I told you good things come to those who wait.

Yes, I'm not a Mike fan either. I just wanted to try him out, push a few buttons, see your reactions. But let's face it, if Jacob and Edward didn't exist (they were never supposed to because wolves and vamps aren't real *sob*), Mike would have been the best choice. But then again, there would be no story. I considered Jacob first but I figured I'd get a lot of Jacob-fan bashing, so I went with the other choice, Mike, who was perfect for the job.

Okay, now that the truth is out, I'm going to explain why Jacob isn't in the story. Jacob would only mess the storyline up. If I'm trying hard to keep up with the Twilight Saga plotline, then Jacob has to be in love with Bella, too. And that would just be unnecessary, and be too much drama. So, I'm sorry. Bella only approached Jacob because Edward left. Jasper is now filling those shoes. If you don't think Jasper is enough and you need some Jacob, I suggest you go to another story. :(

Thank you to my LOYAL reviewers. You know who you are. Ruby, Jess, Reaching-For-the-Moon, ADailyAnthem, JaspersBella, Merina Green, biteorimprintonme, outofmytree, OokamiMomo, and to all the others I failed to mention...

The songs are on the OFFICIAL playlist, the link is on my page. Yes, I update it regularly.

More to come, this AN is becoming longer than the chapter itself. :P


	20. Chapter 20

**-----**

**XIX. DECISION**

**-----**

"…cops received an anonymous tip, assumed to be from one of the Forks High students, claiming that authorities should check up on the Newtons' residence immediately. Witnesses confirmed that Mike Newton and a female classmate that we are to remain unnamed were seen leaving the campus together. Found in the crime scene was Mike Newton, and a broken mug on the floor. Closer inspection revealed that rohypnol, a famous date-rape drug, had been within the contents of the hot chocolate. Chief Swan has reassured last night however, that the girl has been unharmed and safe. For more of this, let's hear Frank Sullivan's report—"

I turned the TV off and closed my eyes trying to drown today's local news in a sea of numbness, cuddling tighter to the pillow in my arms. I was lying on the sofa trying to keep my head blank. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to remember. I just want to stay blank. Numb. But it was no use; my brain suffocated me with unending replays of yesterday.

Charlie was nearly crazy with worry when I got home and he thought that the tears I didn't even know were running down my face were because of what happened with Mike. I didn't bother to correct him. I was shaking too, from the cold rain that clung to my skin, and from the sobs bubbling in my throat. Charlie panicked and demanded that I see a doctor, but I shook my head frantically, trying to control the shaking best I could and said I just needed to go to bed and would talk to him in the morning.

I didn't sleep a wink, I just stared at my ceiling trying to find someone to blame for everything that's happened to me. I just wanted to give up. The heart could only take so much after all.

Jasper told me he loved me, I felt my heartbeat speeding up at the thought. It was infuriatingly stupid of him. Did I love him back? I immediately compared what I felt for Jasper to what I felt for Edward. The dull ache in my heart when I remember him, the longing feeling that hurt so much it almost turned physically present. I feel strongly for Jasper, but what Edward and I had been…intense love and adoration.

When the sun rose, I knew I owed Charlie some sort of explanation. If there was one person left in this world that still made me cling to the thread I was holding on to, it was him.

He was in the living room, sitting on the couch, and because he was still wearing his uniform, I knew he didn't sleep either. He probably didn't even bother going up to his room. He was holding a cup of coffee in one hand, the familiar homely smell igniting the flicker of warm emotion I had left. He slightly jumped when he noticed I was there, his thoughts were probably so far away.

"Dad," I croaked, suddenly, I realized my throat hurt a lot.

"How are you?" he asked me carefully, patting the empty space next to him.

I sat down and he handed me his coffee and I took a sip, not minding the bitter taste at all. His coffee was black today. The warmness felt good to my throat.

"I'm…fine," I said weakly.

"You have to tell me what happened, Bella," he begged. "We need your account of events. And _I_ need to know the truth,"

The truth. I took another sip to give me time to think.

"What did Mike say?" I asked quietly.

"Something about Jasper Cullen coming into the picture," his eyes narrowed at the mention of one of the Cullens.

"Jasper arrived just in time, he was just passing by to visit some of his friends here and saw me with him," I lied monotonously as I looked away. I already assumed Mike would mention him. "He followed us when he saw me with him, and he—he stopped him just in time,"

I told him blankly about what happened when Mike and I arrived at his house. I could see with my peripheral vision how Charlie's fingers twitched at the mention of Mike urging me to drink from the mug.

"Where did he take you after?" he asked after I finished my story.

"To the Cullen house,"

"What did you do? Was anyone else there?" his voice had a protective edge at the last question.

I looked at him right in the eye. "We just talked and no, Dad. Edward wasn't there,"

"Oh," he said, looking at his lap. "That wasn't why I…oh why bother. It's good that he wasn't. Where is Jasper Cullen now?"

"I don't know," I told him honestly.

We stayed quiet for a while.

"Where's Mike?" I finally asked.

"At a juvenile delinquent center in Seattle," he growled. "If he was a year older I would've kicked his perverse ass to jail,"

I sighed but didn't say anything.

Mike tried to drug me. If he had succeeded he would've taken advantage of me. I repeated this over and over in my head last night. I was angry, but not enough to send him to prison.

After everything that happened, it was still his easy smiles and warm hands that helped me carry on after Jasper left. In a twisted way, I was thankful for his presence during the time I had no one and my heart lay broken for the second time. Even though he manipulated me into trusting him, he was still there. That's better then no one, right?

The doorbell suddenly rang, bringing me back to the present. I opened my eyes but didn't move. I heard Charlie's footsteps briskly walking to the door and opening it. He didn't go to work today to take care of me. I felt another surge of gratitude and love for my father.

"G-Good afternoon, Chief Swan," I heard Angela's timid voice. "I'm Angela Weber, Bella's friend from school. Is she home?"

"Yes, but I'm afraid she won't be taking visitors today," Charlie said politely.

"No, Dad," I said in that familiar blank voice. I heard it before. Oh right—after Edward left me. "I want to see Angela,"

"Okay, come in then," he said. He must have pointed where I was at because I heard Angela coming closer.

Angela kneeled down so her face was level with mine. "Bella," her voice was ashamed and sad and tears were welling up in her eyes. My forehead creased in confusion. "Bella, I'm so sorry," she took my hand in hers and let the tears fall to her cheeks. "It was my entire fault; I shouldn't have talked him into trying to be friends with you in the first place. But I had no idea that he was even capable of doing something like that, Bella. I promise."

I wiped away her tears with my other hand.

"I'm not blaming you," I whispered.

"I'm so, so sorry," she cried softly. "If I could only do it over again I would have never let that—that _pig_ near you. After all you've been through…I only wanted to help, but I ended up making it worse,"

My heart hurt more seeing her like that. Angela didn't deserve this kind of burden on her shoulders.

"Don't worry, Ange. I'll survive," I told her, squeezing her hand.

I sat up and embraced her, reassuring her that I wasn't blaming her at all. I embraced her until her sobbing ceased and she started drawing away.

"How's school?" I asked quietly, wanting to know if everybody knew about what happened.

"Everyone's talking about it," she said in a hushed tone, confirming what I already assumed. "Mike was kicked out this morning."

I nodded, not knowing what to say.

"I brought you our homework by the way," she said hesitantly. She paused, opened her mouth then closed it again.

"What?" I asked her.

"You _are_ going back, aren't you?"

I thought about that all night. No. I wasn't going back to that school…yet. I'm going back to my mom. Whether it's permanent or not, I still don't know. But for now, I'm sick of everything. If it wasn't for Charlie, I would have packed my bags and left last night.

"I don't know," I told her.

She froze.

"Bella—" she started, obviously wanting to protest but suddenly held herself back. She thought for a minute and then sighed, "If it would help you, then you should go. I'm going to miss you terribly though." Her eyes watered again but she blinked them away.

"Oh, Angela," I said, reaching out to her, "I haven't decided yet, but if I do end up going, I'm going to miss you, too. You're the only friend I have here in Forks,"

That didn't help. Her tears started running down her face again.

It was nearly dark when Angela left, assuring me that she would be back tomorrow if I'd like her to. I invited her back with a forced smile. I'm going to miss her so much.

Charlie made me eat dinner with him and I didn't bother to disagree even though food was the last thing on my mind. We were fairly quiet as usual until he cleared his throat, grabbing my attention.

"I heard what you and the Weber girl were talking about earlier," he said, trying to keep his voice smooth but I could feel the intense emotion just underneath.

I didn't play ignorant.

"I haven't decided yet, Dad," I told him.

"Bella," he said, his voice turning soft and sincere, "If you want to leave, go ahead. I know that I'm the only thing stopping you. If it would make you feel better to be with your mother, I'd help you pack tonight and you can leave… tomorrow morning," his voice broke in the end, and I could feel my eyes stinging as tears formed in them.

"Dad, I—"

"No, I want what's best for you. After all that happened to you in this town, if I were you, I'd want to leave, too."

"I don't want to leave you," I said through clenched teeth, keeping my gaze down as I tried to blink back the tears.

"You'd be back, Bells," he said and his voice broke again. "Your old man would be waiting for you anytime you want to come back,"

Hearing what he said, I finally lifted my eyes to look at him and I saw the tears pooling in his eyes too. I stood up from my chair and embraced him long and hard. I love Charlie so much and it also hurt me to leave him here alone, but I just couldn't go back to the way things were. I couldn't face all those people at school. First, I was left by my boyfriend then the other guy I tried opening up to nearly raped me. Forks was home, but there are too many sad memories here that would only haunt me if I stayed.

"I'll book a ticket for you tonight so you could leave tomorrow morning. We'll call your mother."

* * *

**Authoress's Note: **

I owe you a very, very long apology. It took me forever (literally) to update. So many things have happened. My computer lost all data due to a fucking virus and the entire story was gone so I had to start from here and finish it again. As writers would know, the second attempt would never be as good as the first so I got pissed and didn't want to write it anymore. When I opened this account and saw the messages and reviews of people that want me to continue, it made me want to write again. I would like to thank everyone who still support this story even though the author is a completely heartless bitch who kept her readers hanging.

It will get better from here.

I'm really, really sorry.


	21. Chapter 21

**-----**

**XX. BOND**

**-----**

Hearing my mom's relieved voice when I told her I want to go back to her made my mind up completely. She cried and kept on telling me that she just wants to keep me in her arms just like when I was younger until all the bad things went away. I doubt they would, but I still wanted her to do it anyway. For the first time in a long, long time, I felt that Renee was the mother and I was the child, not the other way around. I didn't realize how much I missed her until that phone call but I assured Charlie that I didn't have to go so soon. I delayed my flight for another week so I could spend more time with him. I want to leave him with good memories of me, not memories of him waking me up in the middle of the night because I was screaming in my sleep, not memories of him enduring the presence of the saddest girl in the world. I want us to have a real father and daughter bond, even if I have to squeeze them all into a weekend.

This week would be all about Charlie and me.

He told me that I didn't need to do it, that he would be fine, and that I should go back to Renee if it was what I needed to be better. I assured him that I _wanted _to stay even for a while longer and I apologized for being so selfish for the last months and for being a mere pain in his ass during my entire stay. He quickly brushed it off, telling me that I wasn't, but I still insisted that I wanted to stay even for a while. He agreed in the end and his mood became considerably lighter after that.

He took the weekend off work to be with me and I conditioned myself to hold the bitterness in even for just the hours I was around Charlie. I didn't want him to worry about me and I just wanted us to enjoy each other's presence.

The first day was a Saturday and I asked him to teach me how to fish. He was shocked to say the least, since I never really took interest in his favorite hobby, but it was obvious he was hiding his excitement.

"I bet I could catch more fish than you," I grinned as I hopped in the cruiser.

He chuckled, "You're on, girlie"

He geared up the engine and we drove in comfortable silence, commenting on the scenery, or the nice weather, or whatever it is I could find to keep the conversation going. I was going to spend the day with Charlie and I have to focus on that. Silence would let my mind drift off to…unpleasant things.

When we got there, Charlie took the fishing equipment from the compartment and we proceeded to the docks. It was a bit chilly, the wind blowing passed us as we walked but it wasn't raining. I was expecting to sit on the edge of the dock like some of the movies go and sit there 'til all the fishes were gone but I didn't expect what I found.

"A boat?"

"Yeah, how'd you expect us to catch fish?"

"By sitting here?"

Charlie laughed. "Why? Don't like boats?"

"It's just… I've never ridden in one and I don't want to puke,"

"You won't," he said, turning his back to me and carefully getting inside the mini boat. "You're my kid,"

I smiled.

In the end, he caught more fishes than me and I couldn't say he tried much. I wasn't a girly girl per se, but touching a live worm freaked me out a little bit. Aside from that, it was a really great day and I wondered why we hadn't done something like this before.

Oh, _right. _

I shook my head slowly as I entered my room, dropping on the bed, feeling beat.

Dinner that night was a lot of fun too, Charlie was now really making effort to talk to me. He asked me about my memories growing up, in detail. We never used to talk about my childhood so much. I guess he wasn't comfortable, but now he seemed genuinely interested.

Sunday morning dawned bright and early, and with it came a heavy feeling at the pit of my stomach. This would be my last day in Forks. I would leave tomorrow morning. I'd have to make this day count.

"Daaaaadddd! Get up! Get up!" I said, hitting him with a pillow lightly.

He mumbled something I couldn't understand but kept his eyes closed.

"Get up! Hurry up and get dressed, we're going for a drive,"

I packed our sandwiches inside a picnic basket I found in the kitchen and was fully dressed already. I decided to take Charlie out for a morning drive, the sun was out today and there's nothing like the fresh morning air.

Charlie went down the stairs ten minutes later, his hair still all over the place and still yawning.

"What did you say about a drive?" he asked me.

"We're going out," I said, grabbing my keys from the counter.

"What about breakfast?" he asked.

I pointed to the picnic basket. "You're gonna have to carry it for now. We'll eat outside,"

It was still a bit cold, but the sun was out and it was great. We bought instant coffee from 711 and ate our sandwiches on the hood of the Chevy facing the cliffs, taking in the view as we talked about random things.

"This is fun," he told me after a while.

"Yeah," I agreed, munching on my sandwich.

"Bet you do this all the time back in Phoenix with your mom,"

"Not really. She wakes up late all the time," I said, smiling as I remembered. I kind of missed those days even though it meant I ate breakfast on my own. "Sometimes when I don't feel like cooking we head out and order Japanese food. She really enjoys the way the Japanese guy down the block makes sushi,"

Charlie laughed. "That's so like her," he said.

I didn't know how to react because I don't know where the line was on how comfortable he was on talking about Renee so I kept silent.

"You're mom's just the person you need right now." He told me, "She can really help you. I should have forced you to go to her earlier but I guess I was too selfish. Now all these bad things keep happening to you and I can't help but think it was all my—"

"Don't you dare say that, Charlie," I said sternly. "Er, I mean Dad. Don't you dare blame yourself for all of this. It happened because I was stupid and I trusted people easily. And bad things just happen, okay? And going back to mom doesn't mean I'm gone forever. Maybe someday, when I'm all better, I'd move back here—who knows, right?"

He smiled at me and gave me a hug. He wasn't the hugging type (like me) so I guess it was pretty big for him. I squeezed him back.

It was late afternoon when somebody rang the doorbell and Charlie was watching TV so I answered it.

"Surprise!"

It was Ben and Angela.

"Hey!" I said smiling. "Come in,"

They went to the kitchen as Charlie straightened up and followed us.

"Your dad told us," Angela explained as I gave her a questioning look. "You're mean, you didn't even tell us you're leaving today."

"Well," I said, smiling apologetically. "I hate goodbyes, so… I was planning to see you tomorrow before I left,"

"Nevermind," she said, "We brought you cake!"

"Ange, you didn't have to," I told her earnestly. "But thanks, really."

We spent the night taking pictures and talking about school and people and memories, carefully dodging everything Mike. I can't help but think they rehearsed everything. It was great of them, though to care about me this much.

It was pretty late when they both left and Charlie was already asleep. I took my last night shower and lied on my bed for the last time. This time tomorrow I'd be back in my old room in Renee's house. I thought about Phoenix and all my old friends. It would be like hitting the rewind button… like I never went to Forks in the first place. I was looking forward to it.

I also thought about Jasper, I suddenly wanted to see him so much, just for the very last time. I wanted to apologize and tell him I appreciated everything he did for me. I never thought I'd feel alive again, even if our efforts failed in the end.

I didn't know what time it was or when it was when I finally fell asleep, but I felt something cold wrapped around my hand, squeezing it ever so gently, so familiar… I opened my eyes slowly and gasped as tears started blurring my eyes.

"You're back," I breathed.

* * *

AN: Again, I'm sorry for the delay. I've been getting messages and emails for an update and it's here finally. The next update would be NEXT WEEK. I promise. xx


	22. Chapter 22

**-----**

**XXI. REUNION**

**-----**

_EPOV_

There are things I've done that I could never take back. So many mistakes that I thought would only make things better, but would end up having the opposite effect. The greatest mistake, however, was leaving Bella. It killed me a hundred times over when I saw the pain in her eyes… so quick to believe a lie. So quick to doubt me after everything we've been through together. After everything I've told her. It took all my self control not to reach out and embrace her, to tell her everything I've said wasn't true. But I fought it back and tried to be selfless. Bella may never accept it, but the blatant truth was that I'd never be good enough for her. I will never be able to give her the life she deserves: to grow up and get married to a man who can provide her with children she could play with and love. A man who would take care of her as they grow old, a man she could fulfill a rewarding life with. I could never be that man.

But I couldn't handle being away from her either. How shamefully selfish, but I couldn't stop myself. I _love_ Isabella Swan... I would trade my immortality and die now if I could just embrace her one last time if she doesn't want me back. It would hurt like hell, but I would accept it and let her move on. It was my fault since the beginning. It all began with my selfishness and I had to deal with it. If I hadn't been so selfish, I could have just loved her from afar however torturous that would be, not having her in my life. But I could have spared her from all the pain, all the hurt and all the complications that came along with me. I was too selfish. I thought I ended it when I left. But now here I am again with my selfishness.

_Welcome to Forks_, the sign said. I heaved a sigh of relief. I've seen so many places in my entire existence but never have I truly felt what it was like to be home after I saw that sign. Bella was home. Wherever she was would be home to me. Turning the car around had crossed my mind a million times while I drove but my dead heart reached out to Bella. If I could just see her, hold her hand, kiss her forehead…

I stepped on the gas harder, not willing it to break but wishing it would go faster. Bella was _so _close.

Finally, I was there, pulling over in front of their house like I did so many times before. _God, how I missed this._

Silently, I jumped with minimal effort and smoothly landed on her window sill on a sitting position. If my heart was beating, it would have been drumming painfully on my chest right now. I closed my eyes as I ducked my head and entered the window.

Her room was pretty much the same as I left it, I could tell without even looking. My eyes were fixed on the sleeping form on the bed. Her scent lingered in the air and I could immediately feel the burn in my throat, but I couldn't even focus on it. I walked slowly and silently to her, wanting to slide in her bed and embrace her like I used to. I got up on the bed anyway, wanting to feel her warmth that I had sorely missed, but not on her side. I hovered above her, using my knees and hands to keep myself up. I inhaled the sweet scent of her hair softly, wanting to crush her in my arms now more than ever. I missed her so much. I brushed some stray strands from her face and took in how soft and silky her hair was. I smiled. I was with Bella. I'm finally home.

I got off of her and sat beside her, watching her sleep. I carefully took her hand and began stroking it softly.

"Home…" she mumbled in her sleep.

Yes, Bella, I'm home now. I went back for you. Please forgive me.

She turned on her side facing me and kicked the sheets, revealing her body. She wore a thin piece of blue fabric with thin straps on her shoulders and a small pair of shorts that revealed more skin than I've ever seen on her. I quickly looked away, focusing on her face and the way she nibbled on her bottom lip.

"I love you, Bella Swan," I said softly.

Slowly, she opened her eyes and blinked a few times before I saw the tears forming in them.

"You're back," she said in a whisper.

"Bella," I said, kissing her hand.

She sat up, removing her hand from mine in the process. I didn't like it, it wasn't necessary to retrieve her hand for her to sit up but I didn't think much of it.

I waited for her to yell, to kick me out and tell me she hated me but she just looked at me with a sad face, tears silently running down her face. It was worse.

"Bella, I know you're mad, but please say something," I pleaded.

"I can't ever escape you, huh?" she said slowly. "It's my last night in Forks and I just had to dream about you,"

There were so many things wrong in that sentence but I focused on one.

"Last night in Forks?" I repeated.

"I'm going back to Renee," she said as she brushed away her tears, "I have a flight in the morning,"

"Bella," I said, holding her hand again. Panic beginning to course through me. I couldn't handle it anymore if she left me this time… even though it was only fair. Letting her go was a lot easier said than done. "You can't go,"

"You did," she said sadly. I almost cringed in guilt.

"I'm back, I'm here. I couldn't do it. I love you so much, Bella." I told her, pleading silently. "I'd do anything for you to believe that."

She just stared at me without speaking a word and suddenly tears started falling from her eyes again.

"Why are you crying?" I asked her. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have left—"

"Stop it," she cut me off in a harsh tone. "I'm going to wake up soon and I don't want this dream to—"

"Bella, this isn't a dream. I came back for you. I thought I was doing the right thing for you when I left but I couldn't stand being away from you," I took her in my arms, letting her feel that I really am there with her. Wanting her to know that I'd never leave her again.

Had my leaving really been so traumatic for her that seeing me again felt like a dream to her now? My heart broke at the thought.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered into her hair. "I'll never leave again, please, please believe me. I'll do anything you want me to, just please don't go. I couldn't live with myself if I let you go again—"

"I…I love you, Edward," I heard her say, feeling her arms wrap around me.

I pulled her closer, as tight as I could without crushing her, reveling in the feeling.

"I love you, Bella. I'll spend my entire life trying to make it up to you."

**-----**

_BPOV_

Edward was back, just as Jasper said he would be.

Charlie wasn't happy about him returning but Edward said he understood completely. I saw how furious he was when he saw Edward the next morning when he supposedly "just arrived". But I told him that it was what I wanted and that Edward wasn't going anywhere.

Life was almost back to normal after a few days. I went back to school and Edward helped me through all the stuff that I missed. I didn't bother telling him about what happened with Mike Newton, it was over and done with. I also didn't tell him all about Jasper, I don't know why, I just couldn't. It didn't feel right, like it was too private. It surprised me when the thought entered my head—nothing was too private between me and Edward. But it was what I felt on the matter, and someday I'd probably tell him, but not now.

"Where were you?" I asked one afternoon, a week after he's been back.

He didn't open up the topic since he came back. He was waiting for me to ask, I guess. And it was hard talking about it, even though he was here. Sometimes looking in his eyes reminded me of how they looked at me with disgust, however fake he claimed that to be now. It will probably take a while getting used to.

"I was in Chicago at first, going back to my roots," he told me. "I was everywhere, really. Trying to… let you go. I failed miserably though. I told you, I thought I was doing right by you,"

"How are Carlisle and Esme?" I asked him next.

"They're good, but they still couldn't accept what happened with Alice." He said sadly, "Esme especially. I think she was her favorite,"

I could feel my eyes watering at the mention of Alice.

"I'm sorry," I told him, "About Alice. I was extremely devastated about it, too,"

"Jasper was torn, too. Carlisle said he disappeared to be alone. We didn't know where he went."

My heartbeat started accelerating. It was the first time either of us mentioned him and I still didn't know how to react.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, noticing.

"Yeah," I said. "I just remembered something…"

"They're coming back anyway," he said, continuing. "Esme said she misses you,"

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

"Yeah, of course. Jasper, too, I guess. Carlisle's trying to contact him,"

My heartbeat sped faster, if that was possible.

"Bella," he said softly, "Are you sure you're all right? Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine," I said automatically, distracted.

We were quiet for a while, and I tried to control my expressions because I knew he was watching me closely.

"Um, so… when are they coming?"

"In two days," he said.

**-----**

AN: So there! Eddie's back, all right! Tell me whatch'all think.


	23. Chapter 23

**-----**

**XXII. COMPLICATED**

**-----**

Jasper was coming back and I panicked. I know Edward suspects something because of the curious looks he's been giving me. He couldn't read my mind but he could read Jasper's for sure. I seriously don't know what might happen. Maybe he won't come back after all.

I tried to take my mind off Jasper everytime I'm with Edward because I'd start feeling guilty and my pulse would start spiking and when that happens it's like waving a red flag to his face. I rationalized that I had no reason whatsoever of feeling guilty that his brother and I sought comfort in each other when he supposedly broke my heart, but after learning that he had been in pain too, that our breakup was all fake, I couldn't help that twinge of guilt bubbling in my heart.

What would it be like for Jasper, seeing Edward and I back together? Would it hurt him again? I couldn't bear it if I hurt him again. He's already loved and lost once, and I even added to it before. I don't want it to happen again. I assured myself that he was just confused, missing Alice, but I don't know what's going on in his heart and it was killing me.

They'd be back in a few hours and maybe I'd finally see him, if he ever decides to come back. He's been around Edward forever; maybe he'd know how to control his thoughts around him. For a strange reason, I was slightly looking forward to seeing him.

I felt Edward's arm wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him and felt his icy lips kiss the top of my head. We were in my bed—my back facing him.

"I love you, Bella," he said softly, tightening his arm around me.

"Me, too," I said, trying to keep my voice light.

"I can't wait to go back to school with you," he whispered. "Then we'd be able to spend everyday together…just like before,"

Nobody besides Charlie and I knows that Edward was back. He will pretend to return with Esme and Carlisle, so no questions will be raised.

Almost everybody at school knew about what happened with Mike, and if it was just me, I wouldn't care, but I know I wouldn't be able to hide it from Edward when he goes back there. And I knew he'd be angry that I didn't tell him… I was still working up the courage to tell him before he has to know from somebody else. I felt sick, lying to him like this but I just didn't know where to start. I know he'd blame himself for everything and I didn't want him to feel that way.

"Are you sleepy?" he asked me quietly. I wrapped my fingers around his and nodded.

He leaned over and kissed my cheek before lying back down and humming my lullaby. For the first time ever, it didn't calm me like it did before. Hearing it from his mouth brought back memories of that melody haunting my nightmares. I'd wake up screaming and miserable at the deafening silence in my room, wondering where the bittersweet sound was.

I closed my eyes tightly and bit the insides of my cheeks, not wanting to tell him to stop and make him ask questions again. It was already hard keeping things from him.

I fell asleep eventually, my dreams restless and daunting.

*

"Bella," I heard him say and I quickly snapped out of the trance I was in.

"Oh, sorry. I was a bit distracted…" I said quickly.

"I've noticed that," he said, his eyes full of concern and his eyebrows creasing in worry. "Are you sure you're all right? Do you want to rest?"

We were in Port Angeles, somewhere we could be together away from Forks. It was the day Carlisle and the others should be back. We would head to the Cullen house after my lunch.

"No, I'm fine," I told him for the nth time.

He sighed and nodded.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him, worried. I knew he'd be honest with me and it felt like something was thawing my insides because of all the secrets I've been keeping from him.

He looked straight into my eyes and it made me feel uncomfortable even though I knew he couldn't read my mind. It was like he was searching for something he knew he'd find. I looked down on my food.

"I feel like you've changed," he said finally.

My eyes snapped back to him quickly.

"No, I haven't," I denied. "It's just… it still feels like I'm in a dream and I'm still wondering if I'd wake up and not find you there,"

Dirty trick, Bella. But it was kind of true, it's just that it's the least of my worries. I was more worried about what would happen once he and Jasper stood in the same room and he'd find out we…

I quickly regretted saying it though, seeing the look on his face. It was a look of anguish and shame and regret.

"I know a part of you will never forgive me for that, Bella," he said softly, taking my hand in his and stroking it sadly. "But I'll spend eternity trying to make it up to you. I promise,"

I tried to smile at him and nodded. He smiled sadly back at me and we sat there like that for a minute or so.

"We should head back. The others are probably there,"

_Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies._ I repeated the chant in my head, trying not to be nervous because I know he could immediately tell.

"I'm excited," I told him with the brightest smile I could muster, to explain the heartbeat. "I can't wait to see them all again."

He flashed his crooked grin and took my hand as we headed back to the Volvo. We talked about random things on the way home, so I could alleviate his worries and keep my mind off Jasper at the same time. How wrong it was, to be thinking of Jasper so much while Edward is with me.

We finally arrived at the Cullen residence and my heart pumped faster under my skin, I was surprised I hadn't broken any ribs yet.

"Bella!" I heard Esme's warm voice even before she opened the door.

She took me in her arms and embraced me longer than necessary.

"I missed you," she whispered. I felt tears welling in my eyes.

"Oh, Esme. I missed you too," I told her, embracing her hard form back.

When she let go of me, she beamed at the sight of Edward.

"I missed you as well, son," she told him, taking him into her arms also. "Remind me to ground you for two decades."

"You know I missed you too," Edward assured her with a chuckle before kissing her forehead. "Are the others here?"

"Carlisle and Emmett and Rosalie," she answered and with a blur of colors they were standing around us. Rosalie was even smiling slightly.

"Bella!" Emmett yelled as he gave me bear hug.

"Hey, Emmett, I missed you," I told him, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Bella," Rosalie greeted me. She didn't open her arms in welcome, but it was enough.

"Hi, Rosalie," I told her shyly, still intimidated by her beauty.

"It's good to be back in Forks," Carlisle said, his voice light and soothing. "We missed you, Bella. And you, Edward,"

"It wouldn't be a reunion without me, would it?" A voice said from behind us.

**-----**

**A/N:** Sorry. Couldn't help it. LOL.


	24. Chapter 24

**-----**

**XXIII. LIE**

**-----**

BPOV:

I turned my head sharply around, feeling myself calm down in an instant.

"Jasper!" Esme exclaimed happily. Everybody except Edward and I gushed over at him and welcomed him back. I could see Jasper looking at me more than twice out of my peripheral vision but I couldn't meet his eyes… I was silently waiting for Edward to read his mind and confront me about it, but it never came. He just stood there with a smile, happy to see Jasper back like the rest of his family. Their eyes met and they exchanged a silent greeting.

Maybe I wasn't that big of a deal to Jasper after all. I felt my heart break a little at the thought.

"Would you like to go outside for a bit?" Edward asked me quietly.

"Sure," I squeaked nervously. He doesn't sound upset in any way so I guess he still doesn't have a clue.

Away from the house, I could feel my heartbeat spike again. Edward brushed his cool fingers on mine and when we were a good distance away from the house, he stopped and turned to look at me.

"I know being around Jasper makes you uncomfortable because of what happened on your birthday" he said, "But he told me how sorry he was and I just hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive him too. Maybe if you talk to him he'll give you an apology. He's my brother, and though it doesn't excuse what he did, he's going to be around a lot and it would just make everybody feel bad if you keep on dodging him."

I nodded, glad that he thought of another reason. I didn't even think about that… it seemed so long ago. Like a dream, after everything that happened.

He smiled at me warmly, "Thank you," he said, leaning over and kissing me on the lips lightly. I tried to hold on to him, wanting to take the kiss deeper, make me forget the kiss I shared with Jasper in the rain.

But once again, he resisted and kissed me on the forehead.

I felt defeated.

* * *

I caught up with my chores today, alone at the house. I did my homework and started the dinner, but still found myself out of stuff to do with a few more hours to spare until Charlie gets home.

I finally convinced Edward to go and hunt for a while, his eyes had been the darkest I've ever seen them and I knew he was having a hard time. It touched my heart that he couldn't leave me but I wasn't as affected by him leaving than I was before…maybe because I've been without him for too long.

I flipped through the channels on the TV, looking for something worthwhile but none of them caught my eye. I tried reading a book, but it didn't get me anywhere; I just felt even more utterly bored and restless. Finally deciding to drive around town for a bit, I put my hoodie on and got my keys.

As I stepped out of the house and walked towards the Chevy, I gazed at the late afternoon sky. It wasn't raining again and I wanted to bask in the orange light coming from the setting sun before I had to endure weeks of rain again.

Edward was here. I'm happy. I could go back to the tree house again… right? Before I could think about it properly, I found myself walking to the woods behind our house, up the familiar trek and into the clearing where the tree house stood as if I'd been there yesterday. Nothing changed. I climbed up carefully, wincing as I remembered the ugly fall I almost had if Jasper hadn't caught me.

I reached the trapdoor and opened it, poking my head inside. To my surprise, I found a duffel bag lying there along with a familiar sketchbook and an impressive set of charcoal pencils. _He's been here. _My curiosity got the better of me and I shoved myself inside, sat down and reached for the sketchbook. It was filled with drawings of me, of my face, and--some of them--just my eyes. I flipped through the pages, reaching the last one where he drew a very vivid sketch of his face. It was a beautiful drawing, but it didn't do him justice. Below written in his manly script were the following words:

_I would never leave you. _

I felt my heart warm up as I traced each letter with my fingers. I reached over the duffel bag after a while and opened the zipper. It was filled with different kinds of fireworks along with a small silver lighter. As I stood, I took the bag with me and opened the flap on the roof and carefully pushed myself up.

A few stars were appearing and the sky was ever so slowly turning from indigo to a deep blue. I sat down and lit one of them up, making a bright explosion of gold burst into the near-darkness. I lit more of them up and watched in awe as each of them shot to the sky. They were so amazing.

"Bella," I heard a voice call my name.

I knew who it was immediately. Peeking back into the tree house, I saw Jasper there with a carefully guarded look in his face. I smiled at him and beckoned him to come up with me. He smiled back and was beside me in a flash.

I handed him a sparkler and lit it up, doing the same to another one and holding it in my hand.

"Have you…?" he began, but I already knew what he was going to ask.

"No, I haven't told him anything."

"Anything?"

I nodded. "He didn't read your mind, I guess?"

"I've been with Edward for decades, I know how to guard myself around him," he said simply. I was right, after all.

We were silent for a while, watching our sparklers die out.

"You should tell him." He said finally. "At least the bit about Mike. Just to begin with. He would know once you're back in school tomorrow anyway."

"Jasper…" I started, and then stopped to clear my throat, biding my time. "What about--?"

"It's not the time to talk about it. Edward's back now, Bella. And you're happy."

Well, I am happy right now. Because I found out that Jasper and I were okay. We're talking and lighting up sparklers, just like before.

"It's the first time I've been back here." I told him. "I only received your gifts today,"

"That's okay, I figured as much," he replied with a grin. "I wouldn't have come back here too, if I were you."

"I almost never did," I said bitterly. "I almost left,"

"And you had enough reason to do so," he said. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Bella."

"If Edward hadn't come home at the last minute, I would have never gone back here," I said honestly.

"But he did. And you're happy," he said again. "You are, aren't you?"

He looked at me skeptically, then I remembered he was an empath.

"I am," I said defensively. "This is what I wanted,"

The moment I said it, I realized it wasn't true.


End file.
